Rookie Booze Cruise 2011: HIGH SEAS DRAMA
When we last left off:
- The Born-Agains kidnapped the Nuge
- Booby Ryan was revealed to be a double-agent
- The Geezers have a master plan of awesomeness
- The SS Doggy Style has crash landed on Dry Island with Kaner, Bob Seguin and the Nuge
Patrick Kane opens the hatch of the SS Doggy Style and looks around.
There are lush jungles all around the beached submarine. Bob yells up, “What’s going on? What does it look like?”
Kaner laughs, “Ever see the movie ‘Swept Away’? Looks exactly like that.
There’s even people making out on the sand. And broken cell phones and crack pipes everywhere.”
Bob pushes his way up and squeezes through the opening with Kaner. “WHAT WHAT WHAT LET ME SEE!!!”
The Nuge is sitting on the bottom of the sub just waiting for the perfect opportunity to make his escape. “Dummies.”
And that’s when the trees start moving. And all these people come out of the trees. They’re dressed in white robes and have patches that say ‘NHL’ on their shoulders. A lot of them have wild unkempt hair and dirt all over them. A few don't look so bad but are in the first stages of dirtiness.
Bob points one out, “Hey, I know him.” And he nudges Kaner, “It’s, um, oooh what’s his face, uh one of those former party boys. Oh, Grant Fuhr!”
Kaner looks over at him, “Really?” Then he looks back out and squints, “Yeah, I see Theo Fleury.”
That’s when the Nuge pokes his head out of one of the windows, “What is this place? Seriously. I see Dan Carcillo. There’s washed-up and brain-washed hockey players everywhere.”
The boys stare speechless as the robed players surround the sub in a semi-circle. There’s a sudden rumble through the forest and the players start chanting.
We will not indulge in anything that Gary Roberts has not sanctioned as ‘safe’. We will not imbibe of anything that will make us impure. We will not use Twitter. We will be healthy and drug-free.
The trees of the jungle parted and Peter Rabbit Laviolette is carried out on a pillow of orange and black. He is holding a teacher’s wooden pointer and death-glaring at the sub.
“I am the lord of Dry Island. Welcome to Hell!”
Back on the SS Booze Cruise:
Sharpie calls a meeting of the Chaps to discuss the missing Nuge situation.
"Okay, everyone knows what happened. We just don't know who took him. Or where they took him. Or even what's happened to him. But we have to find out."
Eveyone nods their heads in agreement.
Burrito puts in his two cents, "We have to keep the rest of the rookies busy while we are trying to find the Nuge. I suggest we have them continue with the program."
There are cheers, specifically from Biz Nasty and Colonel Angus. "Onto the swimsuit fashion show!" They planned the next part of the program specifically for even more humiliation and awesomeness.
But then there's a hand in the air, Um, dudes, I was really hoping to see the Nuge in a swimsuit. This is quite disappointing." Jumbo and Slappy are wearing matching frowns.
Sharpie stops the sudden crying and wailing from the Chaps with a slap to Burrito's face. "Stop it. We will find him but we have to keep these rookies busy. We don't want anyone to know that we lost the first overall pick again. This cannot happen."
Jonesy yells from the back, "THE SHOW MUST GO ON!"
And the show does go on.
Skog and Lars are tying each other's bikini straps on while Brodin sits in the corner and stares at everyone because he's already dressed.
Zibby comes up and pulls at the ruffles on his suit.
"I'm not so sure about this. I mean, shouldn't we be searching for the Ryan or something. He's been gone for a couple of hours now. Isn't anyone else worried?"
"Of course I'm worried! He was my bunkmate!" Marky-Mark opines from his seat on a stool.
"We need to find him. The Chaps aren't going to do anything."
That's when the Dougie knocks over the stool he was perched on.
"We are going to find him. Tonight, we are going to sneak out and find the Nuge. It's our duty!"
There are cheers from the Rookies as they surround Dougie and wait for his plan. Everyone except Strome. "How do we get past security? Who can pilot a ship?"
Dougie smiles, "I have it all figured out."
Back On Dry Island:
Bob and Kaner survey the followers surrounding their sub when they both cry out as they recognize former Born-Agains that have been lured into this cult.
There's Brad Marchand, looking emotionless and brainwashed.
And Kaner recognizes Sergei Kostitsyn, "What have you done to them?"
Peter Rabbit laughs maniacally, "I have made them pure. They have been brainwashed to be the emotionless and un-fun. That is what Dry Island does to you."
Bob hurriedly jumps out of the sub and approaches Brad, shaking him vigorously. "Wake up! What has he done to you?! Nooooooooo!"
Kaner speaks up from the sub, “Yo, we just crash landed here and don’t want any trouble. It was a total accident.”
Peter Rabbit smiles sweetly,
“Do you really think that I will fall for that? I know who you are and who you associate with." Then his face contorts into a devil face,
"I KNOW WHAT YOU DO FOR FUN! I KNOW WHO YOU ASSOCIATE WITH!" And he squints at Bob, “Are you high? Are you Tweeting as we speak?”
Shrugging, Bob just laughs as if he has lost everything he loves in life. “Maybe.”
Peter Rabbit claps his hands, “NOT ON MY DRY ISLAND!!!”
And Bob is tackled by the brainwashed and robed Followers of Peter Rabbit.
His phone lands in the ocean and Kaner's eyes are as wide as saucers, "Let him go! I need him to smoke with!"
Turning his head quickly, Peter Rabbit focuses on the sub. "Get that Bozo-haired miscreant out of there too. And search the sub, find their stash."
The Nuge ducks back into the sub and tries to find somewhere to hide. But it's too late as Kaner is dragged through the opening, kicking and screaming. The Nuge cowers in the corner as Followers clamber into the sub.
Claude Giroux takes a hold of his shoulder and keeps him in place as other Followers search the sub.
Drew Doughty yells as he find the secret stash of weed and liquor and extra cell phones with Twitter on them.
Wayne Simmonds and James Van Riemsdyk join them as they stare entranced by the stash that wasn't so hidden. Riemsdickie speaks first, "There's so much. I, I don't even know."
And then Double D picks up a joint and sniffs it. He looks around at the other Followers and picks up the lighter.
Pepper grabs his hand, "No, you cannot. Remember Peter Rabbit's teachings, you cannot do this."
Double D looks torn for a moment then says, "It was all bullshit anyway" and lights it up.
The Nuge rolls his eyes from under Gingeroo's grasp. "Dummies."
The sub gets filled with smoke and then it's like flies on poo, all of the Followers take a hit and it's like the zombie spell is broken.
They start laughing and cracking open the bottles of liquor while the Nuge sits miserably alone in the corner until he gets an idea.
"Does anyone here really like Peter Rabbit's ways?"
All three of them turn their heads in unison. And they all shake their heads 'no' in unison.
The Nuge sighs, "That's what I thought." He knows he has to tread carefully now, "Well, why don't you just leave?"
"Haha, we would have if we could. But Peter Rabbit has all of us under this spell." Pepper sighs dejectedly.
"And? Looks like you found out how to break it. Get everyone out there back in their right mind and then usurp the bastard."
Gingeroo smiles, "Hey, this kid has some good ideas."
And he stands up, running with what the Nuge was saying. "There have been escapes, Richie and Carts for example, that have been successful.
We can do this. And we do this on a larger scale."
There are cheers as they form a plan with the Nuge's help.
On the SS You Gotta Be Kidding Me:
Bill Guerin pilots the ship as Recchi and Roberts hold court. They are heading to Fort Recchi (which is conveniently located in the middle of Lake St. Clair.
Booby Ryan has fuzzy handcuffs on his wrists as he stands between the two Geezers.
"There has been a traitor in our ranks." And Rex Pimp looks at Booby pointedly, "It seems as though this man has been working for us and for the dreaded Born-Again." They all groan because no one likes the Born-Agains. And Rex Pimp shakes Booby,
"Where have the Born-Agains taken the Nuge? Where? We have to find him before the Born-Agains do.
By now, Booby is in tears.
He doesn't want to betray the Geezers who have been kind to him but he also fears what Gold Getzlaf will do to him.
Finally, he breaks down and tells Rex Pimp and the other Geezers everything. "The Born-Agains want to do awful things to him because of this picture."
"They want him as their personal cage-dancer on the SS Fuck You Holmgren.
And they want to be put onto the official Booze Cruise roster. They just wanna party like it's 1999. That's their master plan. Please don't hurt me, Mr. Rex Pimp."
The Gary Roberts pushes Booby to the ground,
"We have what we need, men. Let us ATTACK THOSE NEVER WANNA GROW UP BASTARDS! THEY DESERVE TO PAY FOR WHAT THEY'VE DONE! THEY WILL NEVER BE ALLOWED ON THE BOOZE CRUISE!"
And he surveys the faces around him, "THE NUGE IS OURS!!!" Which becomes the battle-cry of the Geezers.
There are yells of approval until someone starts coughing and then Shanahan's yelling, "JR's having a heart attack! Again! Hurry, someone get the medics!" And Duchene Couture come running with defibrillators and promptly revive JR.
Rex Pimp calmly surveys the fracas around him and turns to The Gary Roberts, "Let's catch some Toys R Us kids."
End of Episode 5