Rookie Booze Cruise 2011: HIGH SEAS DRAMA
This is the end...
On Dry Island
"WHERE IS EVERYONE?! WHY IS IT ONLY ME AND MY ASSISTANT COACHES HERE?!" Peter Rabbit is yelling at the top of his lungs, looking for his followers.
He has no idea where those lazy bastards are.
And the ships keep getting closer and closer while they scramble around the island trying to do anything to stop the ships from landing.
They shoot health food bars shaped into cannons. Doesn't stop the oncoming ships. They try to dry up the ocean with Chris Pronger's constant chirping.
There is nothing stopping the oncoming ships.
Finally, they land and wave after wave of current and former NHLers storm the beach.
They are carrying weapons of varying sizes and degrees of danger.
It's a smorgasbord of things.
Peter Rabbit hides behind the wall of sand that he and his assistant coaches built before the horde landed.
Rex Pimp who is holding a switchblade in one hand and a chained Booby Ryan in the other is the first to speak, "We have come for the Nuge."
There is silence before Peter Rabbit pokes his head from below the sand wall. "I don't know to whom you are referring to."
Burrito rolls his eyes, "Shut up and just give us the rookie back before we storm your beach and tear apart everything you have built here."
Suddenly there is yelling and sand being kicked up in the air to the left of the horde.
Everyone stands still and watches as Peter Rabbit's Followers come running out of the forest.
There are a lot of current NHLers like Carey Price and Daniel Carcillo and the Staal brothers among the Followers. They are being led by Gingeroo and Salt 'n Pepper.
They come to a halt before reaching the horde.
Gingeroo approaches the leader of the horde and says,
"We are the former Followers of Peter Rabbit. We have found the light of debauchery and recklessness through the teachings of the Nuge."
"They've seen the Nuge, he's here!"
Dougie yells from the back of the horde.
That's when Peter Rabbit come out from behind the sand wall holding both Kaner and Bob Seguin in handcuffs.
There's a snuffle and a yell, "Let our Kaner go!!!" It's definitely Sharpie who becomes a little emotional over the other Patrick.
Peter Rabbit laughs manically, he doesn't even know what's right any more. "I will when I have every player in the NHL drinking my Kool-Aid. And it ain't as awesome as Shero-Aid, I can tell ya that."
The Gary Roberts steps forward, the permanent scowl even deeper than usual. "You're a freaking moron, let the kids go." And he levels the deathstare at Peter Rabbit, "I said, let the kids go and tell us where the Nuge is. Now."
No one says a word. Peter Rabbit stares silently while still holding onto the kids.
The horde is quiet.
Further in Dry Island
The Nuge is staring through the trees as the ships docked on Dry Island.
He keeps quiet, not wanting anyone to know that he is hiding there.
He listens to the fighting and the yelling and knows that it's all about him.
The guilt starts to eat away at his conscience.
And then he sees Dougie's face.
He looks so forlorn and desolate while holding a flag that says, 'Give Us The Nuge' and it makes the Nuge suddenly unhappy.
He knows what he has to do and he doesn't want to.
But it's his duty as the number one pick. It just is.
Taylor Hall did it before him and whoever the hell went first overall in 2009, well, he had to do the same.
They become the NHL's new toy.
On the beach of Dry Island
Any sane person would have been shivering in their underroos if The Gary Roberts stared at them like that but not crazy Peter Rabbit.
He laughs in the face of the horde and pulls the kids closer.
Then he pulls out a seashell gun from his pocket and holds it to Bob's head, "DON'T MAKE ME DO IT!" when there's a rustling sound from behind the trees.
And the Nuge steps out.
He is in nothing but a loincloth and Carey Price leans over to his fellow Follower, Ryan O'Byrne and says "Dis betch needs to eat."
There is silence as everyone takes in the Nuge and the fact that he is finally found.
Then the Geezers start babbling and falling all over each other when they realize that their sweaty old-man dreams have come true.
And the Born-Agains start whooping in celebration because the Nuge has been found and they can join the Rookie Cruise.
And the Rookies begin to cry because they found their fellow brother.
And the Chaps clap themselves on the back for finding the Nuge in better condition than they found him.
"STOP IT! STOP IT!" The Nuge takes a step backward, wishing that he never left the jungle. When it is finally quiet, begins his tale.
"You know, getting abducted was the best thing that could have happened to me. I found the Followers here and helped them see the light." And the Followers bow down to him. "I realized that I have a role to play in the NHL and it's not just as a rookie center. I have to be the new toy for you guys to play with. And I'm okay with it."
The entire Dry Island breaks out into cheers and screams and everyone can't believe their wonderful fortune.
Until Peter Rabbit starts throwing seashells from his sand wall. "YOU CAN'T LEAVE, I WON'T LET YOU!"
But no one is listening.
Sharpie grabs the bullhorn, "Everyone can come aboard the Rookie Cruise. We have enough food and activities to do since the rookies haven't been on board in a while. Let's party like it's 1999!"
And the cheering gets worse.
The Chaps lead the way back to the Rookie Cruise with the Rookies, Geezers, Born-Agains, Followers and the Nuge following them on board.
The Rookie Cruise
There is actual mayhem on board as the Rookie Cruise ship sails in circles in Lake St. Clair.
Followers are drinking obscene amounts of alcohol with the Staals and Kaner leading the way in liters of alcohol consumed.
The Geezers are playing strip shuffleboard. It's not a pretty sight but the Gary Roberts is doing his best to motivate the Geezers to change their fatty food ways and start to exercise.
The Rookies are coloring in the upper decks, happy to have their Nuge back.
Happiest of all though are the Born-Agains. They are being put through all of the activities that the Chaps had planned for the Rookies.
Things like seminars on how to survive their first year in the NHL and how to buy the right pair of jeans for a hockey butt.
And while all of this is going on, the Nuge dances all alone in his cage high above the festivities.