Jumat, 30 September 2011

Date Night Friday: Sam Gagner

We feel like this go-around of DNF is all about the guys we missed the first time around.

Every time we go "HOW DID WE MISS HIM?!" And this is one of those times.


Uh, hi.

I'm um Sam Gagner. I play for the Edmonton Oilers and well, Hi.

So how does this work again? I take you on a date and then we talk about it here or...oh, wait, I get it now.

Okay, so what would be do on a date? Jeez, I have no idea. We'd probably hang out at my new house and play video games.

Is that okay?

We could invite a few of the guys over and order pizza (don't tell coach, duh) with whatever you want on it.

I know that most of the young guys on the team will come over. And you and I can sit on the couch together, shoulder to shoulder, while the peanut gallery sits on the floor.

I just got the new Gears of War and we can eat greasy but delicious pizza while yelling at each other over the game.

When we get sick of GoW then NHL11 gets put in next. We fight over who gets to play and it ends up being me versus you or the Oilers vs (insert your team here).

Of course your team wins, by default.

Finally, the peanut gallery leaves adn we have some time alone. And we put that to good use by making out in front of the Oilers on NHL11.


Did you enjoy this date?

Was it fun with video games, pizza and the peanut gallery?

Let us know!

Kamis, 29 September 2011

ESPN Should Have Consulted Us...

Thanks to Tuorto for the heads-up on ESPN's The Body Issue featuring the one and only Ryan Kesler.

(It hits newsstands October 7th.)

That means he will be naked and posing. That means we don't have to be subjected to Chara's nekkid body again. Although that picture is hard to forget.


Okay, but we approve of this man gracing the pages of ESPN.

We really, really do.

And of course this makes us think about all of the other hockey players we could be subjecting to this humiliation/objectification.

And our minds are blown from all of the hotness hitting our senses. Just take a minute, think about your favorite hockey player with no clothes on.

Yes, we just made you do it. And now your mind is blown.

Who would you force into the pages of ESPN to bare it (almost) all? We have our top seven, of course. Wanna know who they are?

1. Henrik Lundqvist

2. Shea Weber

3. Ryan Callahan

4. Drew Stafford

5. Luke Schenn

6. Brooks Laich

7. Sidney Crosby

This took a lot of fighting and throwing things and general craziness in the house to come up wit this list. We each had a top seven then combined it to make one. Because we like to be democratic like that.

What's your list...and why if you're so inclined...

Rabu, 28 September 2011

Who Shares Your Birthday?

Today is Noodles's birthday (shameless post is shameless) and every year we have to hear her talk about how she shares it with (fat) Dustin Penner, (old) Brian Rafalski, (retired) Grant Fuhr and (heaven help us) Ray Emery.

The only person who (sort of) redeems that list is Grant Fuhr. And only because he has won the Cup.

Henrik shares her birthday with (baby-faced) Steve Mason, (Gremlin) Nathan Horton and (huh?) Chris Porter.

So, we were thinking...which NHLer do you share a birthday with?

Is it someone you like? Someone you hate? Someone you don't even know?

We like to use hockey-reference.com for everything but mostly for looking up stupid things like this.

Here's a link to the birthday searcher. It's a ton of fun.


Let us know who you share a b-day with. It can't be any worse than ours...

PS - there are a ton of NHL players born on February 14th. So if your baby is born on Valentine's Day, there's a good chance it's gonna be a hockey player.

Good for you.

Selasa, 27 September 2011

So Many Suspensions, Oh And The News

Brendan Shanahan does not F around. We like this tough Shanny that's showing up on NHL Network to explain his rulings.

We like it a lot. It's nice to see explanations of suspensions and bans for once.

And here we go with the suspensions:

- Pierre-Luc Letourneau-Leblond was suspended the rest of preseason and one regular season game for his boarding of Matt Clackson.

- Jody Shelley was suspended for the rest of the preseason and the first five regular season games for his boarding of Darryl Boyce.

- Brad Boyes was suspended two games for his illegal hit to the head of Joe Colborne.

- Brad Staubitz was suspended for the rest of preseason and three regular season games for his hit from behind to Cody Bass.

- James Wisniewski was suspended for the rest of preseason and eight regular season games for an illegal check to the head to Cal Clutterbuck.

- Jean-Francois Jacques was suspended for the rest of the preseason and five regular season games for coming off the bench on a legal line change to start a fight with Mike Duco.

Other News:

- Antero Niittymaki will miss twelve weeks recovering from surgery to help pain related to a lower-body injury sustained last season.

- Everyone by now has heard of the Wayne Simmonds/banana incident in London Ont., well there was so much support for him and also Twitter outrage about the incident.

- Current players placed on waivers...link.

- Marc Staal is not travelling with the team to Europe. We can hear Mama Staal's disapproval for Eric from here. And Glen Sather's, he questions the source of MStaal's headaches...

- Speaking of concussions, Dave Perron will be rejoining the St. Louis Blues this week. We couldn't be happier for him.

- The Montreal Canadiens signed Chris Campoli to a one year, 1.75 million dollar contract.

- During a kerfuffle yesterday in the Flyers/Rangers game, Sean Avery claims that Wayne Simmonds uttered a homophobic slur to him.

- Sam Gagner is now out week-to-week with an ankle sprain. Really? It's starting already...

- And we're out...TAKE IT AWAY, B-RY!

Senin, 26 September 2011

Broken Bromances Support Group

Hello, all.

If you are here then it is because you have lost a bro and it has left you heartbroken. Believe us, we understand. If Henrik ever lost Noodles or Noodles ever lost Henrik, there would be tears and Chunky Monkey ice cream all around.

This is the support group for broken and lost bromances. It seemed that this summer there were quite a few bromances that were broken up and we feel that a support group would be very helpful in these trying times.

There are a few steps/things that we recommend to mend a broken heart after a bromance that has been broken up.

1. score some goals, dammit

2. distract yourself as best as possible

3. strike up a new bromance as soon as possible

If you're asking yourself, "Hey Noodles and Henrik, no one likes me and I can't find a suitable bro for a bromance, boohoohoo."

Well, quit your belly-aching. We've got some suitable replacements for ya, so listen up chumps.

Bromance #1 - Mike Richards and Jeff Carter

They were broken up within minutes of each other and it was a terrible travesty to behold

For Mike, we recommend starting up a bromance with Jarret Stoll.

It seems like a good fit, both good-looking and like to go out and enjoy the night life (or so we've heard). They can hang out and be each other's wingmen, "Hey, hey girl."

For Jeffy-Jeff-Jeff, oh he's in Columbus, not much to do there. Sometimes. We always have a good time there although it usually involves fifty cent cotton candy and late-night run-ins with Tim Horton's drive-thrus.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand. We recommend a bromance with Steve Mason.

Seems a little strange, right? Well, we think it's like the odd couple of bromances. But why the hell not? We think that little Steve needs to get out of his fat girl shell and live a little.

And Jeff could use someone to look up to him. Maybe it will clean up his act somewhat. Or maybe he will destroy the little boy-face of Steve Mason. Either way, it's a win-win.

Bromance #2 - Logan Couture and Devin Setoguchi

With Devin being traded to Minnesota, which was a surprise in a way, it seems that there is no hope for either....but there is

For Logan, this is an easy one, we think him and Jamie McGinn should turn the heat up on their already budding bromance.

And you cannot forget the now infamous picture that Logan tweeted of the two of them hugging it out like bros. So cute. It was like Devin never happened.

Now, for Devin, this is going to be a little harder. The oh-so-obvious choice would be fellow ex-Shark, Dany Heatley. But that doesn't make sense personality-wise.

We think that a bromance between Devin and Colton Gillies. How funny would that be? We think that they would be like Laurel and Hardy.

Cute and funny, double-header!

Bromance #3 - Drew Doughty and Wayne Simmonds

Right now, everyone's mad at Double D but we can't be mad at that cute little chubby face. And everyone should love Wayne, he's a really good player and we'd like to holla at him some day.

Drew's the easy match-up. This bromance has been in the making for at least a half-season already.

We think Drew and Jack Johnson should start up the bromance again.

And by this video alone, we think that they already have. It's almost like opposites attract and it's perfect.

Okay, Wayne. The enigma that is Wayne Simmonds. We thought that this would be harder than it was but we're happy for the simplicity of this bromancing.

We would like to make him bros with Max Talbot. That would be like the perfect match-up of bromances.

Bromance #4 - Marc-Andre Fleury and Max Talbot

When little Max decided to break every Pens' fans heart (we thought it was funny), they forgot about how poor Flower would feel

So, Fleury, yet again has it easy. He's got friends on the Penguins and players that heart his pranks and his face.

We think he should go back to his original bromance on the Penguins and become BFFs with Sidney Crosby again. They both had a great bromance with Max Talbot through the seasons so we think this will be good for both of them.

Maybe the 'Flower' can loosen up Captain Robot. We're saying 'maybe' on this one.

And Max, we've already touched on who he should be brooooos with.

For some reason we can just see the two of them playing pranks and being perfect together. Drew Doughty (Wayne's old bro) and Max seem to have similar dispositions and that's why it fits for Wayne.

Bromance #5 - Ryan Malone and Mike Smith

this bromance seems to have flown under the radar for a whole season or so and we're pretty ashamed of ourselves. There really needs to be more fans/attention paid to the teams in Flo-rida.

Okay, Ryan. Dear Ryan Malone, remember when he was a Penguin? Doesn't that feel like a century ago? It does to us.

We think that Mr. Malone would be wonderfully matched up with Vincent Lecavalier. With Martin St. Louis cavorting nowadays with the Steve(n)s, Vinny needs someone to bro around with.

And we've always thought this was cute.

Now, for Mike Smith. He's in Phoenix, THE DESERT. With the mish-mash of people on that team, well, it was a lot harder than you would think to find him a potential bro.

But we persevered and think that a bromance with Derek Morris is in the cards for Mike Smith in Phoenix.

If you asked why then you're one smart cookie. We think that bromances between players who play the same position are the best. It's a sort of symbiotic relationship in some ways.

And bromances between goaltenders and their defensemen are also perfect. They get each other and make like easier.

Bromance #6 - Marian Hossa and Tomas Kopecky

Another bromance that went under the radar for the past few seasons. But everyone who was either a Hawks or Red Wings fan knew about this.

We may be going out on a limb here but it seems that Marian Hossa has outgrown the use of a bro. It may be because he's European or it may be because he just had a child (they change EVERYTHING), but he just doesn't seem to need a bro any more.

Marian just seems content to be the lone wold of a team, be the man that has no bro. We think that he's okay with his lot in life.

Or something like that.

Ah, Tomas Kopecky. The man who used to live in Marian Hossa's shadow. He could use a nice bromance. He could use someone who will love him and his goofy personality.

And luckily there are a plethora of goofy personalities on the Panthers. Now, the easy set-up would be with Kris Versteeg but we like to dig a little deeper.

This may be a little off the map but Brian Campbell is a better match for Kopecky rather than Versteeg. Campbell is sneaky funny and so is Kopecky so they will be perfect together.

Bromance #7 - Sam Gagner and Andrew Cogliano

This one was a little heartbreaking to hear about. Everyone knew that Cogliano was going to be traded but it didn't hurt any less for poor little Sammy.

For Sam, this could be as simple as renewing a bromance from his rookie year. Does anyone remember who Cogliano and Gagner lived with when they first came to Edmonton?

If you said Tom Gilbert then you get a cookie!

Why the hell not? They already know each other, probably more than either would like to admit, so it will be easy for them to hang out and get along. This could have been harder because all of the Oilers seem to have bros already. They're all paired up.

But Tom is getting a little long in the tooth so a younger bro might just be the thing he needs. And Sam definitely needs a change of friend-scenery.

Andrew, poor Andrew. The boy that was to be traded. He went to Anaheim for Andy Sutton and a bag of pucks. It happens.

We think that he can become the fourth man in the Getzlaf-Perry-Ryan bromance. They've been looking for a fourth to complete the bromance square they've been working on.

Three is a crowd but four is a party. We think that Andrew would be the perfect compliment to this threesome.

And that is all for today, boys. We hope that with these suggestions and the photoshopping skills, you can visualize a good bromance with these boys.

It will be good for you and for the league. Now, go out there and make some sweet, sweet bromances!

Minggu, 25 September 2011

Rookie Booze Cruise: High Seas Drama (Episode #4)

Rookie Booze Cruise 2011: HIGH SEAS DRAMA

"Mmmffffhhhh!!! Mmmffffhhh!!!! MMMMMMMMMMFFFFFHHHHH!!!!"

The Nuge is gagged, bound and PISSED. Bob Seguin kinda notices, sticking his face right into the Nuge's:

"Aw, calm down little chickie! We ain't gonna hurt ya honey! (chewing gum, giggling) Just shut your piehole and let Daddy do his bong hits in peace, eh? (turning around) Hey Kaner, WTF you doin'? It's like we're goin' in circles!"

Indeed, the Born Agains' sleek new pirate vessel - the SS Doggy Style - is experiencing navigational difficulties because its inebriated pilot doesn't know how to drive a stick.

"Back off Bob! I only drive automatic! (snorting) But I'm pretty sure we didn't see that jellyfish five minutes ago so we must be going in the right direction!"

"SS Fuck You to SS Doggy Style! Come in, Doggy! Over!" It's Jeff Carter, Joffrey Lupul and Scott Hartnell checking in on the pirate shiplet from the mothership radio.

"What's up you fucking pirates? Over!" (giggling) Bob grabs the Doggy radio and spits out a response. "SS Doggy to SS Fuck You! Hey, FUCK YOU! (cracking himself, Kaner and the Born Agains on the other end up) No wait - FUCK ME! (ha ha hah hah hah) Hey we got the Nuge! We got him! He's right here! Wanna say hi?"

"Yeah why don't you send us a picture of the little bitch, 'cause we don't believe that you two losers actually captured him! We want photographic proof!"

Bob and Kaner are laughing so hard the Doggy Style is rapidly sinking to the bottom of the lake. "O-ohhkaaay - hhheeeehhhheeeee - you asked, you got!"

Richie and Carts are squinting at the photos.

They have their doubts. "Dudes, these pictures are so BOGUS! This isn't the Nuge! It's a LADY! Go back and get him!" (more laughing. The Nuge is kicking, and saying "Mmmffffhhhh!!!")

"I know! At first I had to double-check the mugshot but I SWEAR THIS IS HIM and he's sitting right here kicking! Look - here's a picture of me being forced to meet him and his lame girlfriends a few months ago. He was super boring then and he's even boringer now! I just don't get all the FUSS over these little bitches..."

Kaner lets go of the steering wheel to look for himself: "Lemme see! Oh man you DO look like you're gonna stab yourself there. Sweet!"

The Born Agains are believers! "Okay we believe you! Now get back here NOW 'cause once they discover the note they're gonna tweet us and they'll call the Coast Guard! You remembered to leave the note, right?"

Kaner isn't sure and Bob can't remember, but they say yeah and hang up on the Fuck You Holmgren.

Meanwhile, back on the Booze Cruise, Colonel Angus and Jonesy hug the boys and reassure them that their Nuge will be recovered safe, sound and hungover not to worry.

"Now now boys you just sit back, take your medication as directed, wash everything down with some scotch and let us Chaps handle this grown-up predicament, 'kay?"

Sharpie chimes in: "Absotively kids! No need to allow this little incident to ruin what's left of our landmark adventure! Just drink up, relax and enjoy!"

"Yeah, it'll be like the Nuge never was here!" interjects Verbeautiful.

"But having said that, I think it's only appropriate for us to suspend the following activities that were on our entertainment program today: Heavy Metal Spelling Bee; Buttless Musical Chairs; Pole-Dancing Demo/Tutorial; and Egg Racing. (awwws and heavy sighs all around) I'm sure you'll agree that these activities just wouldn't be the same without our Nuge. And Jumbo will be bummed that we have also postponed the ventriloquist puppet show and the "Will Pursuing A Career As An Offseason Competitive Eater Impact My Conditioning?" clinic but on the positive side, the awesome Scandinavian black 'n roll concert I planned for this evening featuring Kvelertak and Bullet is still going forward and will totally take your peabrains off this hot mess!"

"Hey Sharpie - what's up?" Verbeauty looks down at Sharpie, who is clutching his stomach in agony. "Verbeauty - go get Dr. Kesler! My tummy just exploded!" Skog and Larsson dash over to Sharpie with an AED, ready to jolt him.

Dr. Kesler appears out of nowhere, pushing them out of his way with a portable x-ray machine. "Sharpie, don't move! I think I know what the problem is. I've been there and I feel your pain brother man!"

The Rookies watch as he fastens a rubber bib around Sharpie's neck and takes a single perfect x-ray of Sharpie's abdomen.

He waves the film at the Rookies, proclaiming, "As I suspected! Sharpie, you'll live! A few rounds of Metamucil and you'll be good as new." Brooks points at the x-ray and can't help himself: "Eum -- dat is a mini-moto, ya? In his pooper?"

Dr. Kesler nods his head. "Oh yeah. Happens all the time. This is the bigs, don't forget."

"You WHAT??? What are you talking about? What do you mean you know all about this?" Gary Roberts is locked in a bathroom stall with Bobby Ryan, who is looking up at him from the toilet.

"Robs, would it be okay if I used a paper seat cover?" Robs can't believe what Bobby has just admitted. "No you can't use a seat cover and you still haven't answered my question. Whose side are you on anyway? Are you with US or are you ONE OF THEM?! Eh?!" Logan and Matt are fixing their hair and make-up in the vanity mirror just outside the stall.

Together: "Dude - you are in SO MUCH TROUBLE! Wait 'til Rex Pimp hears about this!" (ha ha ha) Bobby is beyond remorseful. "They made me do it, Robs! I swear! Getz blackmailed me. He told me to plant bedbugs in their bunks so they'd have to relocate somewhere up top in a big hurry. Then, the Born Agains would have a window to be pirates and rookienap him when nobody was noticing 'cause everybody was itching so bad... All they want to do is come on board and party. That's all they want! If we let them join in, they'll give back the Nuge."

"All they want to do is party like it's 1999, eh?" Robs is curiously contemplative. "Well Bobby, by the time we're done with them, they'll be wishing they were in jail in 2011! Right boys?" Logan and Matt nod, smirk and yawn. "Now wipe yourself and meet us below deck at the SS Cialis launchpad. I'll break the news to the Geezers. We're gonna assemble at Fort Recchi and go find the Nuge."

Watching all this excitement a mere half mile away from aboard his humble rowboat - the SS-22 - is Jordin Tootoo.

He thinks he hears random gunfire and cackling when all of a sudden his fishing line pulls so hard his little boat almost capsizes entirely. Jordin struggles to pull his catch into his boat when to his amazement, his catch actually pulls himself into the boat and plops down into Jordin's lap. Jordin cannot believe his eyes. "Buff, is that you? Buff! What the hell?!"

Dustin Byfuglien is so happy he can barely talk. "Toots, I'm so happy to see you! You have no idea! You saved my life, bro! I've been dog paddling for hours out here!" He hugs Jordin and the boat almost tips over again. "Buff - I'm so sorry I pulled so hard! To be honest, I thought you were a walrus. I was stoked to tell my grandma all about it and then I saw it was you... What are you doing out here if you don't mind my asking?"

"Dude, I'm just glad you didn't throw a banana at me or something! (laughs) I know I shouldn't complain, Toots, but I gotta tell ya I'm having trouble getting stoked about the new season. Things are falling apart for me, man. I'm moving for the second time in less than a year. I'm stuck playing a position I'm not into anymore. That arbitrator said I was worth way less than your teammate. I'm getting fatter and fatter. I'm so down, Toots. Can you help me out?" Jordin puts his hand on Buff's hot dog neck. "Buff, I got your back. You can talk to me. We'll figure this out!"

"Goddammit Kaner, what's your frickin' problem? Where did you learn to drive?" Bob can't believe how pathetic Kaner is at the controls. The SS Doggy Style is zigzagging all over the lake, and now appears to be headed straight for a mysterious land mass that doesn't seem to be on the map. "Wow, look at that thing, Bob!" Kaner is staring at the top of the island's volcano, which strongly resembles somebody their fellow Born Agains know all too well. "Doesn't that big fat head look familiar? I feel like I've seen that head somewhere before..." Bob doesn't see it. "You're trippin, Kaner!" But the Nuge knows exactly who it is. "It's Laviolette, you morons.

It's Dry Island. You're gonna crash this thing right into Dry Island because you're too high to drive. (Bob and Kaner start shaking. Nuge keeps going.) I can't BELIEVE how stupid you guys are. You're all jealous of us because we were invited onto this party boat. But really all it is is a bunch of stupid seminars and getting crap stuck up our butts. The chaperones are the ones who are doing most of the drinking - not us! Now look what you've done. You're hopeless, addicted numbskulls and you're gonna be stuck on Twitter-less Dry Island which is run by the biggest wackjob in the league and where the only bars allowed are made from sand. Sandbars. That's about it! Good going! Welcome to Dry Island, Assholes!!!"

Kaner and Bob pass out. The Nuge ducks and covers. The SS Doggy Style crashes into Dry Island...



This is the end of MouthGuard's portion of this ridiculous adventure. Noodles is on the next four and we're all kind of scared of how this will end.

It should be grisly and awesome all at the same time.