Senin, 31 Januari 2011

Awards Monday: All Star Game

Hottie Of The Week

Patrick Sharp

He was all over the All Star Game, being a sharp shooter and a hardest shot comeptitor along with winning the MVP of the ASG


Best Commercial Of The Night

Head n Shoulders

This was sent to us by Shanny and we think that this was a find and a half, seriously. It may be in Swedish but it is worth the watch.


The Ryan Malone Wheaties Award

Nick Lidstrom

He was the mastermind behind the team that he put together and we respect a man who can put together a team seriously that is based on combinations and not just pure offense. Well played, sir.

Minggu, 30 Januari 2011

2011 All Star Game Recap aka What We Watched

In the bowels of RBC Center

Nick Lidstrom has Patrick Kane by the throat as he yells, "I WANTED A TEAM THAT WOULD SCORE AND WIN! I ONLY CARE ABOUT WINNING YOU LITTLE PIPSQUEAK!!!"

Martin St. Louis calmly walks into the room and closes the door behind him. "Nick, Nicky, Nickster. Let the kid go, everything will be okay. The plan is in motion."

Roughly, Nick drops Patrick to the stone floor. "I believed that we picked the best team and we failed in the SuperSkills Competition. It feels like we failed."

Smiling, Martin slides his arm around Nick's shoulders. "We have not failed, we just lulled them into complacency. They think that they have us by the balls but in fact, it is the other way around."

Patrick stands up, brushing off his pants and putting on black sunglasses. "That's what I was saying, Mr. Lidstrom. Our plan is working perfectly."

The three of them begin a synchronized evil laugh that reverberates throughout the arena.


Uh, hey Nick, I mean, Mr. Lidstrom

Hello, Shea

So, uh, what's up? Why are you staring at me?

I have been? I'm sorry, you're just so pretty.


Uh, nothing, I didn't say that. Let's be partners.


Defensively, I mean, duh.

Um, okay, I really can't say no to a legend

Yeah, I know

First Period

Team Lidstrom and Team Staal take the benches and get amped up for the game after the national anthems have been played.

On the Team Lidstrom bench, Matt Duchene sees his new best friend, Anze Kopitar, and says, "I have a new game for us to play, it's going to be so much fun."

Anze drools, "Duuurrrrrr" and he snaps at Matt's shoulder which gets him a slap upside the helmet by Matt.

Rolling his eyes, Matt elbows him, "You're not listening to me, this is important. But seriously, I have this great idea that we will take vodka shots with every goal scored. It's a great idea, seriously."

"BRAINSSSSSS!!!!! NOW!!!!! BRAINS!!!!! NOW!!!!!"

Matt's getting a little pissed off, "Jeeez man, keep your shit together. I'm starting now."

And he takes a shot, elbowing Phil Kessel, "You're responsible for me if I fall. Kopy here is f-ed up."

Phil stares blankly at Matt, "No one's ever depended on me before..."

"Whatever." And as soon as Alex Ovechkin scores, Matt downs another shot. "Wooo, let's get this show on the road bitches."

Duncan Keith leans over, pushing Kopitar's mouth away from his face. "Settle down, kid. Aren't you still mic'd up?"

And Matt's face goes whiter than it already is, which is pretty freaking white.

Second Period

This happened....

And then this happened

Oh, and don't forget this

Third Period

Eric Staal is panicked as he looks up and down the bench, "Where is Mike Green?"

Looking up from his nails, Dan Boyle shrugs, "I haven't seen him since the game started."

Eric pushes past all of the players between him and the runway, making sure that he gives a good shove to the back of his brother's head.

He trails through the arena, calling out Mike Green's name repeatedly.

It's only answered with silence.

Until he reaches the player's lounge where the food is.

And Mike Green is sitting next to one of the buffet tables, stuffing his face with eclairs and pizza and meatballs and fruit.

Everything is in his hands or lap or mouth.

For a moment, Eric is quiet. He can't believe the horror that is happening in front of him.

Slowly, he backs out of the room and makes sure that Mike did not see him.

He knows that to disturb a man as he is binge-eating is not a good idea.

Back at the bench, Ryan Kesler is worried as well. "Did you find him?"

Eric shakes his head, "You don't want to know. Oh wait, I have to go out there and score a goal."


- MVP of the game was Patrick Sharp then he went missing after getting on the same plane as Jonathan Toews

- Carey Price and Patrick Kane are now best friends for life after they shared pictures and stories of their drunken debauchery

- Nerd Of The Game was given to Matt Duchene for attempting to be funny but not succeeding

- The official photography for the All Star Weekend was pretty good this year and a lot better than it was for previous years

Sabtu, 29 Januari 2011

SuperSkills aka Matt Duchene Is A Nerd

And that's why we love him.

He was mic'd up for some of the game and we heard this gem...

That's how you know he's our son. This article was sent to us from Jackie and it talks about how he's underage and drinking and how Matt set it straight on Twitter.

We like all the love that happened between all of these All Stars, especially Nick Lidstrom saying that he wanted to play with Shea Weber instead of being against him. Now, that's a Mancrush.

The introductions were pretty cool with the mist and the names, numbers and logos projected on it.

The Carolina Hurricanes announcer was really good. He was also funny and had a good sense of humor about the event.

We also like having John Forslund and Scott Oake as the emcees for the event. They are both really good and not awkward and made the event really professional.

First event was Fastest Skater.

Funniest thing was seeing the goaltenders skate against each other. They were like giant puft marshmallows fluffing around the cones.

PS- Tim Thomas wiping out wasn't the funniest part about it, the fact that he got up as he was falling was the best part.

And we weren't surprised about Michael Grabner winning it all. He was always said to be fast and after watching him play against the Penguins, we know that it's true.

And let's just say that Mike Green would not be a choice for us in the Fastest Skater, maybe in the Awkwardest Skater competition he would be first choice.

Next up was the Breakaway Challenge

PK Subban put on Jeff Skinner's jersey, inventive and funny. Our main man, Dan Boyle told him to do it. We liked it. He should have won with all the trick shots he did.

We think that Loui Eriksson missed the memo and actually scored a goal. It's not necessary, sir.

Marc-Andre Fleury stole the show by being his ridiculous self by stacking the pads early, doing jumping jacks and twirls in the net. Why not have fun even when you're the goaltender? He's got the right idea.

The lack of effort from Carey Price was hilarious. He just did not give a shit at all, at all. It was awesome to see him play like he normally does.

Accuracy Shooting was the next event

Things were a little different this year with both teams going at the same time and the chances being timed.

This caused some problems, especially for Captain Serious.

Jonny Toews may not know how to have fun, like he may know what it is to have fun but he doesn't know how to do it. It's kind of sad, really.

He started late, got pissed off when Patrick Sharp beat him then demanded a do-over. And he won the do-over, go figure.

We thought he was going to prison shank Patty at center ice. He would have if this wasn't on television.

The Skills Challenge Relay was next

Yawn...we like the stick-handling but other than that it's kind of boring.

It was funny when Kris Letang creeped in on Carey Price's interview and Carey was like "WTF bitch, seriously?" but neither Letang or the blonde interviewer noticed.

Watching Marc Staal stickhandle was painful. Painful. We now know why he was forced into defense.

We think of this event as more of an event where everyone can participate so that no one feels left out even if they have no real talents.

Our favorite event, Hardest Shot

It's funny how seeing that a 93.8 mph shot is not hard in the NHL but if you got hit with a 93.8 mph you would probably die. Die.

And having the rookies participate was just plain mean. The highest they got was about 94 mph. That number might be a combined number too, they could have shot it together.

Of course the event came down to Shea Weber and Zdeno Chara.

Weber opened up with a 104.6 and we had hope.

Chara had a 104.1 and we still had hope.

Second shot was a 104.8 for Weber and Chara had a 103.7

We thought Weber had it in the bag, in the bag.

They had to face each other in the final round and we were bouncing with nervous energy. He could do it.

But Weber failed us and Chara broke his own record. Bastard. Still, that's pretty awesome for both of them.

And we think that Nick Lidstrom has a huge crush on him. It's not a bad thing, we think it's kind of cute.

And the icing on the cake for the Superskills Competition is the Elimination Shootout

Here's the full video of the event

Oliver Ekman-Larsson had a gorgeous move. At least he tried something.

Fleury stopped Kris Letang's attempt and you could actually hear him beaking. He only let like two players score which isn't too bad at all.

And Daniel Briere has sick hands. It's amazing the moves he has.

Martin St. Louis has the best shootout moves out of anyone and we love how he is the only player that does it.

This event was where the rookies shone and their skills were apparent in the moves that they pulled. Erik Karlsson and Logan Couture had the best moves.

Corey Perry pulled off the win and we were shocked. Still, he had the most diverse moves out of anyone and used those to his advantage.

Overall, we had a blasty-blast watching the Superskills Competition. It was fun seeing the players really compete against each other and the talents of players in an All Star Game atmosphere that we normally do not see.

What did you think?

Jumat, 28 Januari 2011

Behind The Scenes: Team Staal Draft Day

This comes to us from MouthGuard. She was Eric Staal and Noodles took over Nick Lidstrom's meatsuit to bring you the Behind the Scenes for the Fantasy Draft Day.



Good Day, eh! Eric Staal, here! What's happenin'?

Oh man everybody. I am SO excited! Today is the day I finally get to pick my dream team for the 2011 All Star Game, taking place in my real-life hockey hometown of Raleigh, North Carolina! Finally - FINALLY - yours truly is in charge and everybody has to do what I say! Fitting, because Eric is the Viking word for KING OF ALL. Right? But I digress!

This is gonna be so awesome. Of course, I'm already captain of the Hurricanes, but it's nowhere near as fun as being captain at the ASG. As long as they're on my team, I was informed that I can pretty much boss around any dipshit a-hole I want! So I better pick some winners, eh? HA!


Rest assured that there will be absolutely NONE of THIS happening this year:

Like I said, this time around I'M in charge. And I'm also wearing buttfloss this year so no more extreme mooseknuckle close-ups (har har har). Anyway... Crosby's sitting out the trip because he's injured and there's no fricking way I'm picking Ovie for my team so don't even ask. No more awkward photos like this. Promise! Okay, here goes:


I don't get why the League "gave" me two assistant captains. I coulda picked them myself, eh? So I gotta do some housecleaning before I can even start picking. I'm gonna have to DONATE Mike Green to Team Sweden. Let him play on a line for them with "Lurch" Chara - somebody else who I'm totally NOT picking.

Instead, we want Charo. Not Chara. CharO. Coochie-coochie, bitches! And welcome to Team Thunder Bay! Give her a hand, everybody! (applause)

"ASS"ISTANT CAPTAIN RYAN KESLER: Ditto the donation deal. He's a good player but he's a fucking annoying primate and he really pissed me off at the Vancouver games last year. Practically a baboon. He's all yours, Nicky!

OFFICIAL TEAM TB ASG SNACK: Since Team Sweden got dibs on the Swedish Chef

and his gourmet reindeer wieners

it's only fair for us to pick poutines as our official Team TB ASG Snack:

Reindeer wieners. That's just wrong, dude. Who eats Rudolph? Oh yeah, the Abominable Snow Monster. Think we're afraid of you, Forsberg? Think again! (somebody yells, "oh no you dint")

Team TB's got its OWN "secret weapon veteran" kicking it old school. From somewhere back in time, we select Sally O'Malley. And she's 50. FIFTY YEAAZZZ OLD:

OFFICIAL TEAM TB ASG MASSEUR/HOT-TUB JET PROPULSIONIST: I must seriously fuck with Team Sweden's moj by picking DANIEL Sedin as our official masseur/hot-tub jet propulsionist. (whoas from the crowd) It wouldn't be right to play him opposite his 'bro, and Swedish people are better with massages and hot tubbing anyway.

OFFICIAL TEAM TB ASG NATIONAL ANTHEM SINGER: Geddy Lee from Rush is our natural choice for national anthem singer. (crowd goes nuts) Even if ABBA has a better phonetic command of the lyrics to our anthem, c'mon they're just vacuous robots.


OFFICIAL TEAM TB ASG THEME SONG: "Go For A Soda" by Kim Mitchell. (crowd goes whooo) He's huge in cottage country and my parents first made out to "Patio Lanterns" way back in the early '80s.

OFFICIAL TEAM TB ASG ORGANIST: Paul Motherfucking Shaffer people! (applause) Yes!

Paul is a hockey fanatic and is Thunder Bay's most famous celebrity. And he's already an honorary Lakehead University Thunderwolf. Watch Team Sweden try to "compete" by bringing that chick from Roxette or something! LAME!


OFFICIAL TEAM TB ASG HOME & HARDWARE OUTLET: You pick IKEA, eh? Team TB picks Canadian Tire! Take that, Toews -- a/k/a another Team TB REJECT. Sorry, dude.

OFFICIAL TEAM TB LEISUREWEAR OUTFITTER: Okay so Henrik Lundqvist talked me into this but it was the only way he'd agree to being on our team (shhhh)... But check this out... There's this lady who makes custom-designed embroidered clothes for Ken dolls at her house. Cool, right? She puts snowflakes and shit on doll pants:


Lundqvist recommended that Team TB commission her to design custom "leisurewear" for the ASG! 'Cause it's more important to look good than to play good in his world, eh? (crowd is befuddled)

GOALIES: I already gave away that I'm picking an actual SWEDISH DUDE for Team TB, and that would be King Henrik Lundqvist. (cheers) He's actually a "Rangers twofer" with my brother Marc, and when I agreed to the leisurewear thing it was a done deal and Lundqvist was IN! Jackpot!

Cammie - welcome, broseph! Ward is mine mine all mine! (yays from crowd) When he's in full extension crease mode he's practically Gomez Addams:

DEE FENCERS: I'm don't have to remind you all that blood is thicker than water. But it is.

First D pick is my little brother Marc. (pandemonium - everybody takes a jello shot) Not only has he got a face only a mother could love, but it's a face that not only a brother could bring himself to punch. Smooch, baby.

Next D pick is Brent Burns. Duuuuddde! Tasty. Aw yeah. Brent is best "buds" with Dr. Bongenstein, so I'm picking him for his connections AND his talent. (har har har)

Gotta pick me some Buffie next cause Team TB needs some bulk and some brown sugar! Hey, Buff. Gimme five, man. (crowd goes NUTS)

Like I said, we need some bulk so we're continuing with that theme by selecting Shea Weber! (Beatlemania-esque squealing and pee puddles all over the venue) Hell yes to the hardest shot and the wasboardiest abs in the league.

FORWARDS: Patrick Sharp, you gorgeous bitch you. Come to Papa! (more squealing) The ladies would hate me forever if I saved you - a fellow TB native - for last. If Burish was available I'd have another sweet twofer:

Matt Duchene, c'mon down little fella! (ditto with the squealing) Is it just me, or does it feel like a Jonas Brothers gig in here? (har har har) This bastard is living up to his hype and I like that.

Patrick Kane - hello, Kaner? (Sharp is snickering) What? He's out back with Burns getting a consultation with Dr. Bongenstein? Makes sense. Right on.

Bienvenue a TB, Danny Briere! Quebec and Philly represent, after all! (boos and the odd squeal from the crowd) This scumbag has mad skillz and he won't take shit from anybody and I like that.

Open wide and say "ahhhhh" to Logan Couture! Welcome, man. It's nice to finally match up a face with the choppers, so to speak. Team Sweden's guys have tiny teeth so Logan will be a killer distraction on and off the bench.

From one rookie to another - get up here, Tyler Seguin! (EMT's are dispatched throughout the room) Look at you modeling your Dunkin' Donuts duds, man. Crafty little pipsqueak and you're not even what, 19? Careful girls: I heard he likes the powdered sugar! (har har har)

Well, it looks like we've run outta time and like I can't think of anybody else I want on my team right now. I believe I have assembled The Raddest ASG Team Of All Time if I may say so myself. So if it's okay with you, I'm gonna take off and catch Dr. Bongenstein before he leaves 'cause my jaw hurts and my ears are popping from all this public speaking I've been doing. Somebody go get Daniel to start up the hot tub jets for us!

Peace out everybody, and best of luck to Team Sweden 'cause you're gonna NEED it, suckas! Go Big Thunder!