Kamis, 30 Juni 2011

Twas The Night Before Free Agency...

not a General Manager was stirring, not even Brian Burke.

Well, that's a lie. He's always doing something.

- Apparently on the infamous Bruins bar tab receipt, a player ordered an Amstel Light. One single bottle. And now the company is trying to find out who it was and reward him with free beer on his day with the Cup.

Wouldn't it suck if it was you and you only order that when you're completely wasted? We wouldn't fess up to it. Not at all.

- Have you ever wanted to know what Kevin Bieksa's top twenty quotes are? Well, now you know.

- The Montreal Canadiens traded James Wisniewski's rights to the Columbus Blue Jackets.

- Todd Marchant announces his retirement after 18 season.

- Paul Kariya also announces his retirement after 15 seasons.

- Apparently there is some trouble with the Predators and their offer sheets to their RFAs.

- The Predators also bought out JP Dumont and he will be a free agent tomorrow.

- The Wild put Cam Barker on unconditional waivers so that they can buy him out.

- Tyler Sloan was bought out by the Capitals and cleared waivers.

- Now there are concerns about the health of Colin Fraser that may void the Ryan Smyth trade to Edmonton.

- Steven Stamkos could be given an offer sheet.

- Tomas Kaberle will test free agency but the Bruins could want him afterwards. You never know.

- Teemu Selanne will have to have knee surgery this off-season.

- After the initial shock of being traded to the Blue Jackets, Jeff Carter is 'excited' and 'can't wait to have a fresh start'.

- New Wild coach Mike Yeo has picked his coaching staff and one of the guys chosen is Darryl Sydor.

- The Avalanche will retire Peter Forsberg's jersey, number 21, during the '11-'12 season.

- The Maple Leafs and the Rangers will fight to the death for Brad Richards.

Signings & Re-Signings

- Lightning re-signed Dwayne Roloson to a one-year deal.

- The Islanders traded Christian Ehrhoff's rights to the Buffalo Sabres who then signed him to a ten-year deal worth 40 million.

- Canucks re-signed Andrew Alberts to a two-year deal.

- Penguins re-signed Arron Asham to a one-year deal.

- Yannick Weber was re-signed by the Canadiens to a two-year deal.

- The Avalanche re-signed David Jones to a one-year deal.

- The Blues re-signed TJ Oshie to a one-year deal worth 2.35 million.

- Ladislav Smid was re-signed by the Edmonton Oilers to a two-year deal.

- The Sharks re-signed Jamie McGinn and Frazer McLaren.

- The Sabres traded Steve Montador's rights to the Chicago Blackhawks who then signed him to a four-year deal worth 11 million.

- Avalanche re-signed Ryan O'Byrne and Matt Hunwick.

- The Hurricanes re-signed Jussi Jokinen to a three-year, 9 million dollar deal.

- Jonathan Ericsson was re-signed by the Red Wings to a three-year 9.75 million dollar deal.

Rabu, 29 Juni 2011

So Many 'Laich It' Jokes, So Little Time

Brooks Laich has re-signed with the Washington Capitals. the deal is reported to be for six years worth 27 million.

Dammit! We were hoping that he could go to a team where it wouldn't be hazardous to our health to have an unhealthy crush on his face (i.e. Mike Richards going to LA).

But all of our hopes and dreams as Penguins fangirls have been dashed in one little signature. Damn him and his love of Mike Green.

And now there will be absolutely no free agency drama on Friday. Man, this year is gonna suuuuuuuuck.

Well, maybe not so much with the whole 'Where will Brad Richards end up?' speculation that has taken over much of NHL Network.

It's like a disease. Every year there is that one player who captures the imagination of every hockey analyst and all of the possibilities of where they can go.

In 2008, it was the Marian Hossa saga. And we all know how that ended up. And '09 was pretty much the same.

Then last year was all about Ilya Kovalchuk.

This year it's all about Brad Richards and his perfectly coiffed hair and nice tan and pearly white chipmunk teeth.

Of course there are more players than just him but not that many. It's a pretty weak class, sorry boys.

NHL.com has the top 15 and predictions on where they will end up after July 1st.

There were also a lot of signings, players mostly staying put.

- Sabres signed Nathan Gerbe to a three-year deal and avoided arbitration.

- Hurricanes signed Chad LaRose to a two-year deal and Joni Pitkanen to a three-year deal.

- Panthers signed Tomas Kopecky to a four-year deal.

- Penguins retained Pascal Dupuis with a two-year deal reportedly worth 3 million. Yay!

- Lightning signed Marc-Andre Bergeron to a two-year deal worth 2 million.

But then the Canucks had to be different and instead of signing their free agent, they traded Christian Ehrhoff's rights to the New York Islanders for a fourth rounder in 2012.

And of course, as everyone expected, the Rangers bought out Chris Drury. He will become a UFA on July 1st.

Selasa, 28 Juni 2011

Jersey Math #3 - Hall Of Fame Edition

We admit that we've been a little lax in keeping up with the features on the blog with the Stanley Cup Finals and the problems at the Lair but we're pretty much back to normal now so things should be running smoothly from now on.

And we've finally got a new header. Took long enough, eh?


In light of the naming of the Hall of Fame Inductees, we have a new Jersey Math for everyone.


Doug Gilmour


Mark Howe


Joe Nieuwendyk


Another Hall of Famer who wore an iconic number...

Is it:

A. Gordie Howe

B. Ken Dryden

C. Mario Lemieux

D. Jean Beliveau

If you said #66 Mario Lemieux then you are correct.

We tried our hardest to add in Ed Belfour but there aren't any Hall of Famers who wear 46 or 86...yet.

Math isn't our strongest subject so if you figure out how to include all of them plus having the answer a Hall of Famer, let us know.

Senin, 27 Juni 2011

Wheeling & Dealing Monday

- The Ryan Smyth to the Edmonton Oilers deal is done but instead of Gilbert Brule, the Oilers gave up Colin Fraser and a seventh-rounder in 2012.

- NHL.com has a list of the top players who are free agents based on the skills that they bring to a team.

- This is an article about Kevin Smith's hockey movie 'Hit Somebody' that is in development based on the Warren Zevon song of the same name.

- The Penguins did not make a qualifying offer to Tyler Kennedy and we can hear his fangirls from our living room screaming and crying. We have faith still.

- It seems that the trading between Tallon and Bowman hasn't stopped after the Draft ended. The Hawks traded the rights to Tomas Kopecky to the Panthers for a conditional pick.

- There's a report that Kevin Bieksa signed a five-year deal worth twenty-three million with the Canucks. With a NTC. Damn, we were hoping for some drama on July 1st.

- The Canucks have been very busy. They also re-signed Maxim Lapierre to a two-year two million dollar contract.

- Kirk Muller has finally left the Canadiens. He has been named the head coach of the Milwaukee Admirals, the farm team of the Nashville Predators.

- On Tuesday, the nominees to the Hockey Hall of Fame will be named.

- The Vancouver Canucks have chosen the Chicago Wolves to be their AHL team through the 2012-2013 season.

- The Philadelphia Flyers are still not done. They traded Darroll Powe to the Minnesota Wild for a third-rounder in 2013.

Minggu, 26 Juni 2011

2011 Draft Trades In Review

The talk of the draft was all about the trades that went down during the more than three hours it was aired on television.

There were a total of 17 trades over the two days that the 2011 Entry Draft was held. These were trades including players and picks.

It seemed like a lot of wheeling and dealing was happening on the second day especially but the whole draft felt like a game of Go Fish.

The biggest trades were the ones between San Jose and Minnesota, Toronto and Colorado and the Chicago/Florida trades.

San Jose traded Devin Setoguchi (along with a prospect and a first-rounder in 2011) to the Minnesota Wild for Brent Burns and a 2012 second-round pick.

This is an epic trade in our minds because it breaks up the bromance in San Jose between Logan and Devin.

We were upset for like two seconds before we remembered that their whole relationship happens on Twitter anyway so it doesn't matter where they are as long as they can Tweet at each other then they will still bros.

It's also an interesting trade because of Brent Burns. We've always been a fan of his love of reptiles and the missing tooth but seeing him in the Teal and Black will be a little strange.

It's also strange that the Wild would give him up but in the end both teams seem to come out on top because San Jose needed a defenseman that was a two-way player who could score and defend and the Wild desperately needed scoring.

Next up is the annual Brian Burke rip-off trade.

How he got John-Michael Liles from the Avalanche for just a draft pick in 2012 still baffles us.

Maybe it's because the last few years the Leafs have been so bad that all of their picks are within the first ten and therefore more valuable.

Or that Mr. Burke just has a gift for sweet-talking the other general managers.

We're still not sure if this will be a bust or not because Liles has had some pretty solid seasons with offense but the past three season he has been a minus. Doesn't sound too good to us.

And the third trade was the one that seemed completely out of left-field. It was the trade between the Blackhawks and the Panthers.

This trade was player-for-player with Brian Campbell going to the Panthers and Rostislav Olesz going to Chicago.

Mr. Dale Tallon has always been one of our favorite general managers and we think that the way that he left Chicago is still kind of shady.

But that's us being bitter and for another day.

Anyway back to the trade. It seems like the Panthers are fast becoming a team to actually contend with. All they needed was some solid drafting and they've got a team there.

We never saw Campbell going anywhere but it seems that Stan Bowman is still trying to get rid of salary however he can.

Happens when you win the Cup, we guess.

So, now it's time for some feedback. What did you think of the trades at the draft? Did you think that there were a lot more than other years? Let us know.

Sabtu, 25 Juni 2011

Funny Video Saturday

So someone had the great idea to put both of the Ryan VS Ryan videos from the NHL Awards together into one.

This is all we've ever wanted.

Totally worth the click, here is a Cabbie video from the Draft. He's always hysterical.

And speaking of Cabbie, we found a video of him asking NHL players what they would/did get their significant others for Valentine's Day.

We know it's old but it still makes us laugh.

This is a video of some NHL players picking their suits for the Awards

Here is a link of Scott Burnside talking about all of the trades that went down during the Entry Draft this year.

It's kind of crappy quality but here is the Pawn Stars skit from the show.

This was sent to us from Grace and we had to laugh despite one of the greatest bromances ever being broken up.

Jumat, 24 Juni 2011

Post-Draft News & Notes

- The New York Rangers and the Philadelphia Flyers will play each other in the 2012 Winter Classic. Should be a pretty good death match.

- Oh wait, maybe it won't with the recent trades in Philadelphia.

First, Jeff Carter was traded to the Columbus Blue Jackets for Jakub Voracek and a first-round and third-round pick in 2011.

Huge. But Paul Holmgren wasn't close to done.

Second, Mike Richards was traded to the Los Angeles Kings for Wayne Simmonds, Brayden Schenn and a second-round pick.

Holy shit.

- Then the San Jose Sharks re-signed Devin Setoguchi to a three-year deal and traded him with prospect Charlie Coyle, and a 2011 first-round pick to the Minnesota Wild for Brent Burns and a second-round pick in 2012.


- The New York Islanders traded Bruno Gervais to the Tampa Lightning for future considerations.

- Brian Campbell was traded to the Florida Panthers for Rostislav Olesz, straight up beetches.

- The Blackhawks weren't done. They traded Troy Brouwer to the Washington Capitals for their first round pick.

- John-Michael Liles is now a Maple Leaf after the avalanche dealt him for a second-round pick in the 2012 draft.

- The Ottawa Senators acquired Nikita Filatov from the Columbus Blue Jackets for a third-round pick.

- Robyn Regehr and Ales Kotalik and a second-round pick in 2012 were traded to the Buffalo Sabres for Chris Butler and Paul Byron.

- We're calling this the 'Ryan Smyth Saga' because it looked like a done deal with Edmonton for Gilbert Brule but questions about Brule's health put the deal on hold.

- Now onto other things.

The Islanders have reached a lease agreement for a new arena. Someday they won't have the crappiest arena in all of hockey.

- For Ottawa Senators fans, Dave Cameron and Mark Reeds were named as assistant coaches.

- The Winnipeg Jets are official now. It's kind of weird to see that they're back, with the same name. But it's also pretty cool. They also named Claude Noel as their head coach.


- St. Louis Blues re-signed BJ Crombeen to a two-year deal with a cap hit of only one million.

- Alex Tanguay and the Calgary Flames agreed to an extension for five years worth 17.5 million.

- The Montreal Canadiens re-signed Andrei Markov to a three-year deal. Let's hope that he stays healthy this time around.

Kamis, 23 Juni 2011

2011 NHL Awards Post-Show

Like everyone else that loves hockey, we watched the NHL Awards show. It was alright, just like every year.

And just like every year, we were not surprised about the majority of the winners. It isn't a bad thing but it's also true.

Here are a few things that we noticed while watching the Awards show:

- Jay Mohr isn't our favorite but they could do a lot worse. We think. But we also like to think that they could do better.

- We really enjoyed the opening video for the show just because it actually was funny. In case you didn't see it or want to see it again, here it is.

The 'motivational speech' part with Bruce Boudreau was the best part. That and the hotel part where Sid and Dupuis were talking.

- We also liked his 'serious' plea to fans to stop booing Bettman. We like the old bastard, we think that he does his best with the NHL and really tries to make things better.

- Of course Nick Lidstrom took home the Norris.

Everyone knows that one day our son with Shea Weber will win the Lidstrom and not the Norris because that trophy won't exist anymore.

- We demand that someone makes us a Jonathan Toews Face Monitor because he cannot keep it in his pants.

You could tell everything he was thinking every time the camera was on him. He couldn't contain the disdain as Kesler walked past him. He couldn't stop the eye-roll when the Cup was brought out. And he couldn't believe that the show was over when it was.

We found this on Tumblr and the credit goes to withglowinghearts- for making it.

So freaking true.

- Ryan Kesler is like a petulant two-year-old who gets mad when he doesn't get what he wants then he sulks and gets mad.

But that's one of the reasons why we absolutely love him. A lot.

We're happy that he won the Selke because if he didn't then he would have pouted and death-glared at whoever won it.

- Then we were treated to the Part Two of the Gold vs Silver debate with Ryan Getzlaf and Bobby Ryan.

Haha, yes!

- And Dan Byslma deserves every award and trophy they ever try to give him. He is a quality human being and we love how much he loves his son.

Please, take anything and everything we have and never leave the Penguins. We love you.

- Jeff Skinner is really becoming hockey's answer to Justin Bieber.

It's quite scary how so many girls love him.

- We can't even talk about the leathery beetches that gave out the Lady Byng. They couldn't even get Martin St. Louis's name right.

Really? You really don't know anything? Jeeeeeesus.

- The Pawn Stars skit was awesomely amazing and hilariously funny.

- Jon Hamm, hello.

Henrik is obsessed with his face and the fact that he loves hockey so much. Especially a team like the Blues, yes please.

He was especially funny and we were surprised about it. The 'modified Ron Swanson' joke was the best.

We're going to campaign next season for Jon Hamm to host the NHL Awards show. Let's do it.

- Tim(my) Thomas won the Vezina and he totally deserved it.

We approve this award.

- We're still shocked that Corey Perry won the Hart. Not that he didn't deserve it but we're surprised that someone who deserved it won.

We think he was shocked he won as well.

- It's been a long season and this was a good way to cap it off. With awful jokes and even worse music and awards going out to the players we like.

Donatella approves, that's for sure.

Rabu, 22 Juni 2011

A Very Donatella NHL Awards "Fashion Preview"

Thanks to MouthGuard again for this awesome fashion preview. It's worth the read and hilarious as hell.




(deafening applause and the unmistakable, pulsating tranny titty remix of Donna Summer's "I Feel Love" fills the room)

Hey, you crazy hockey fan beetches. Donatella Versace here. Welcome to my "NHL Awards Fashion Preview" special. Tonight, my special guests will be:

Hockey Hall of Famer & Like Greatest Player Ever or Whatever, Wayne Gretkiiii (via speakerphone)!

Hockey Hall of Famer, MouthGuard's True Love & For Sure Greatest Player Ever, Bobby WHOORRRRE!

Legendary Coaches Corner Guy & Crazy-Ass Cross-Dresser, Don Cherrrriiii & his RCMPosse Beetches, beetches!

B.A. Baracus Beetch from the A-Team, Meeester T!

A unique "roundtable" Q&A session with those Green Men whores from Vancouver!

And our very own intrepid NHL Awards pooparazzi about-town, Ry-han Meeeelller will pimp us to all the inside gossip about who will not be wearing what at this year's event!

All right all right all right you stooopid beetches why don't you just SHUT UP NOW and give it up for my too-hot-for-primetime boytoys for the evening, "Bob's Your Uncle" Seguin from the Stanley Cup champion Boston Broooins!

and Matt "Douchy" Duchene, from the 29th place Colorado Sasquatches!

Bob and Matt gyrate onstage in little more than giraffe-print Versace buttfloss, dated henna tribal ink and strategically-placed pejazzle to bling up their rather blah, un-European bulges. Bob is higher than hell on Donatella's left, lighting her ciggie. Matt is completely wasted on her right, sporting a suit jacket to cover his goosepimples and pouring her a fresh glass of Cristal chimp-pain:

Ahhh... To be 20 and in the midst of a 'shroom high in front of an oblivious live studio audience.

"Donatella, don't forget about tonight's sponsors!" Matt grins and winks at camera one. Bob is squinting because like everything has a shimmery halo. Even Donatella.

Oh, yeah. The SPONSORZ! All right all right all right you stooopid beetches why don't you just SHUT UP NOW and give it up for my too-hot-for-primetime SPONSORZ, REEEBOKKK SPEEDWEEECK (whatever the fuck those things are)! Dippity-Do Sport Hair Gel!

Oh GREAT. Hair gel. What IS it with you guys and the hair gel, heh? Just look at these pompadour'd nincompoops, would you? Amateurs!

Cheezy Cheeli Cheezeborger- and Cheezy Cheeli Chimp-Pain-Flavored Hootorade Protein Shakes! And Deep-Fried Kool-Aid!

Because nothing powers overtime in the EN-HAITCH-HELL like DEEP FRIED KOOL-AID! Just ask All-Star Fatass D-Men Dustin Byfuglien and Drew Doughty!

Okay okay okay all right. Let's get this beeetch on the road, heh? Tonight is all about SPORTZ and this shit so let's do some CRRRRUNCHIES and STRRRETCHINK to warm up before we welcome our guests, shall we?

Bob and Matt obey their boss's bidding and start doing maniacal jumping jacks and one-armed push-ups. Donatella unsuccessfully attempts to contort her stiff, crypt-keeperesque body into the shape of a question mark while holding her chimp-pain glass perfectly still and blowing cigarette smoke "o's" in her audience's general direction.

Okay okay okay all right. Enough with the warm-ups! (inhales) Now, everybody give it up for my first guest, Wayne Gretzkiiii!

Wayne is a hall of fame lame-ass beeetch because he's calling in on a Star-Trek SPEAKERPHONE with lots of blinky buttons instead of being here in PERSON in his tighty whitey GWGs. But whatever! (Bob boos. Matt rolls his eyes.) Wayne, what geeeves, heh?

"I'm awfully sorry I can't be there, Donatella. Believe me. It's nothing personal ---"

Zip it, Wayne. I get it. But can you answer me these questions? How come Janet drank all the chimp-pain in my Big Bobber Floating Cooler backstage? That was my special reserve for when Bobby WHOORRRRE comes on for his up-close-and-personal nterview in my goal-shaped waterbed. Right, kids? (Bob and Matt nod in agreeance.)

"Honestly, Donatella. I have no idea what happened but I will say that Janet frequently mistakes chimp-pain for caffeine-free Mountain Dew. She's done it a lot at cookouts back home..." (Bob boos. Matt rolls his eyes.)

LAME! Listen, Wayne. You have won the Hart Trophy too many times! (Bob and Matt nod in agreeance.) So who do you think will weeen this year, and which nominee will have the best outfit?

"I think Corey Perry will win the Hart this year, and I predict the nominee with the best outfit will be Martin St. Louis because he'll be wearing a miniature vintage leisure suit my fans have enthusiastically eBay'd for my action figure."

Oh GREAT. Your BLOW UP DOLL right? (Bob and Matt giggle.) What is it with you guys and your BLOW UP DOLLS, heh? Now, GET OUUUTTTT!!!

Well, that was painful and educational. (Bob and Matt make a face and nod in agreeance.) But here's the cure: The One & Only BOBBY WHOORRRRE!!!

Bobby, you look especially handsome tonight. Indeed, you remain a sexy beeetch after all these years. And to think, the only plastic body parts you have purchased for yourself are your magnificently sexy kryptonite kneecaps. Come here and check out my goal-shaped waterbed with my brand-new giraffe-print sheets!

"Ayyy, Bobby! Wassup, broseph?!" Bob plops down into Bobby's lap and sticks his finger in the air. "Check out Donatella's Phil Kessel Fathead on the ceiling! Way kinkier than a mirror, eh? Pull my finger, man!"

Bobby pulls Bob's finger and looks up at Phil awkwardly, then looks down because Matt is removing his shoes to give him a reverent foot rub.

ENOUGH! Stop manhandling my Bobby you little girly men! Bobby, can you answer me these questions? You won a ton of Norris trophies but you could always use more, yes? Who do you think will weeen this year, and which nominee will have the best outfit?

"First of all Donatella, I must tell you that you have never looked lovelier, smelled better and your breath has never been quite so minty fresh as it is right now. Second, I believe that Shea Weber will win the Norris and he will also be the best-dressed nominee because he will wisely not attempt to replicate one of my blow up doll looks.

He is hands-down the most dashing player in the league - in addition to being the NHL's best defenseman - so he doesn't need to worry about his wardrobe. I mean, let's be honest. He could show up and easily pull off a look like this if he wanted to:"

Fascinating! But Bobby, who will weeen the Messier Leadership award this year and which nominee will have the best outfit? And how come this Frankenstein beetch Zdano Charrrrrra keeps popping up everywhere like he's JLo or something?

He's nominated for the Norris and now this one, too. It's like the same beetches get nominated every year and the same teams weeen the Stanley Cup every year, too! Really, Pavel? Can't you geeve some other beetch a chance to weeen for a change? And between you and me and MouthGuard, I am big time worried about the safety of that Stanley Cup with Chara giving it serious face-time. He looks like he's going to French dip it like a turkey club and eat it with a side of home fries. Hey Zdano! Don't eat the Cup! Tell your Momma, too 'kay? Transylvanians. They are hopeless...

"Donatella, I can completely understand your frustration. These awards are a joke. But this is why we players focus on what really matters: What people are wearing. I believe that Nik Lidstrom will win the Messier this year and if he shows up wearing anything approximating what he wore last year to Henrik Zetterberg's destination wedding, for sure he'll win best-dressed.

He's yet another D-man who can pretty much get away with wearing his birthday suit to these functions. It's not fair, but it's fact. Of course, having said that it must be stressed that nobody can pull off 'naked D-man' quite like me." (Bob and Matt nod in agreeance)

"Look, we're wearing our birthday suits!"

Bob and Matt grab Bobby's hands and the three of them jump up and down on Donatella's waterbed until it springs a leak and floods the studio. GET OUUUTTTT!!!

Somebody give me some Deep-Fried Kool-Aid. I have a sick headache and you horny beetches got water all over my stage!!! What I put up with in the name of titillation. Now, everybody just shut up and give it up for my next guest, our pooparazzi Ry-han Meeeelller!!!

Ry-han, you sexy goaltender beetch. Look what these perverts did to my pipes, dammit! But can you answer me these questions, Ry-han? What's the deal with your hat? Do you have a blow up doll in your likeness? Please say no. Last year, you won the Vagina Trophy for best goalie. Who do you think will weeen the Vagina this year, and who will be the best dressed nominee?

Will the weeener need to be photoshopped to be presentable? Will your pooparazzi portraits be half as compelling as the retouches you made to those naked "art" photos you took of me when your wife was on location in Barbados?

"Hey, Donatella! The award is actually called the VEZINA - not the VAGINA - but I can totally understand the confusion. I don't have a blow up doll - at least, not yet - but the guy who I think will win the Vezina has a bitchin' doll. Check out Tim Thomas' action figure:

You have to admit, the likeness is pretty amazing if not a bit Shakespearean/Henry the 8th. It sucks that only one lucky goalie can win the Vagina - I mean, Vezina - because this year Pekka Rinne is almost as deserving. He'll most certainly be the best-dressed nominee. The dude is a stud - Pekka is Finnish for ' stud.' How many guys do you know can work a 'fro like this?"

Oh GREAT. More Predators and their disco fetish, heh? I am confused, yet stimulated. Hey, what does 'Tuukka' mean in Finnish? Why can't this guy get a Vagina?

GET OUUUTTTT!!! Now, everybody just shut up and give it up for my next guest, Don Cherrriii!!!

As usual, your outfit is screeching at me and your face looks like it was paintballed by a carrot. Don, you are appalling. But, can you answer me these questions? Who will weeen the Selke and who will be the best-dressed nominee? Can you explain the buzz for this Trotz guy and the Adams? Why is this beetch so special? And why do you have two Mounties with you? (Bob and Matt are visibly twitchy.)

"Now lookit Donatella - I ain't gonna lie here. I'm not big on your fresh tone, eh? But y'know what? You remind me of a bleached, post-menopausal version Stan Jonathan so you're a-okay by me. I predict that Ryan Kesler will win the Selke, and he will also be the best-dressed nominee despite the fact that he refuses to accept my fashion tips

The guy is more than a bit obsessed with his own derriere/torso region and I think it's sick, to be honest which ya. Just lookit:

I brought the Mounties - the FASHION POLICE, if you will - to monitor his wardrobe choices because he's just way outta hand with this cavorting around in public in his undies thing. I mean, it cost them the Cup didn't it? Everybody's blaming Luongo but geez. Put some clothes on, eh? And stop begging people to vote for ya on yer website!"

"That's why they call him the Skunkape!" Matt and Bob are cracking themselves up. LOOK WHO'S TALKING! There better not be pi-pi stains on my new giraffe sheets that's all I have to say to both of you!!! Now shut up while Don tells us what's the big deal with TROTZ. I don't get it because to me BYLLSSMMMAAAAAAAAAHHHHH is a SHOO-IN if he wears those crazy serial keeeler rubber gloves from that awful movie he was in on Haitch-Bee-HO.

"Barry's an old bud of mine from way back when, but I tell ya I've been seein' teenaged girls up at the cottage wearing this fashion-forward t-shirt here that pretty much says it all don't it?

He's got a certain something. A something that's gonna win him the Adams. The girls are way hotz for Trotz."

(At this very moment, the Green Men jog onto the stage and shoo Don and his Mounties away. They hold up a sign saying, "GET OUUUTTT!!!")

Oh GREAT. You freaks just couldn't wait until I called you onstage, could you? Were you peeeeesed that I insulted your boyfriend RK? Ladies and gentlemen, THE GREEN MEN!!!

So, I have to ask you beetches a bunch of questions after my babies pour Mommy more chimp-pain... (Donatella's arms are draped over Bob and Matt's shoulders, who are both glaring at the Green Men). What is the deal with the green leotards? And how come every time you are tormenting some poor beetch in the penalty box you both have teensy weensy boners? (Bob and Matt howl laughing) Explain please what you are doing here?

I mean, Tits is Russian and for sure that is hilarious but...?

And here?

C'mon. Mike Feesher? He is not at all funny - BORINK! - and his wife is even less funny/borinker.
And here?

Clearly, you have mistaken Duncan Keith for Patrick Kane. It's not nice to peek on the pretty D-men from BC with their enormous wieners, heh? Jealous much?

So answer me this: Are you going to crash the NHL Awards and hog as much camera time as possible? Is this your not-so-masterful plan? Well, the kids have a "big reveal" of their own for you! Hey kids, show the audience what these idiots REALLY LOOK LIKE without their disguise!

(Bob and Matt gleefully point telestrators are blowbacks of the legendary wrestling tag team the Killer Bees.)

It's almost as bad as when KISS took off their face paint, heh?

(At this very moment, Mr. T leaps onstage and pelts the Green Men with Snickers bars.)

"I pity the fools who don't know when to say when, and who torment delicate rookie souls at the NHL Awards!"

Oh GREAT. Way to peeessss off my SPONSORZ, Mr. T! "Oh, he's cool, Donatella - he's (BLo)gan Couture's bodyguard!" Matt explains.

"I wish I'd had him around to protect ME from the Green Men last season! But him and Skinner are supposedly concerned about being 'stalked' 'cause they're both up for the Calder and they know Stamkos and those guys will be sniffing around..." (Bob snickers.)

Tell me about it, my beautiful baby girls! That Skeeeener stole my hair and make-up beetches to make sure he looks on-point for the ceremony.

Can't we just get ALOOONNNNGGG people? Heh?

When will you all learn that at the NHL Awards, everybody's a weeener!