Rookie Booze Cruise 2011: HIGH SEAS DRAMA
"Wow - what do you think a 'Pootorial' is?" Bob asks Brooks.
Brooks points to the "Pooter" posters Biz and Verbeauty are scotch taping all over the walls in the conference room. "Eum - mebbe dat? Deh 'Poo-tr'?"
The Rookies stumble into their seats and all eyes are on Captain Sharpie who is greeting them from the podium.
"Hey everybody - how's it goin'? We thought it fitting to kick off your cruise with a 'Pootorial' demo session on how to properly use a fart simulator..."
Skog: "Don't you mean a 'flight' simulator?"
Sharpie (grinning at Skog): "Oh HELL No. A 'fart' simulator. An artificial flatulence maker, if you will. Who in their right mind would want or need a 'flight' simulator?"
Burrito (scowling in Skog's face): "No kidding, stupid! If you want to get high go get yourself a bong. And stop interrupting my boyfriend! Oh and I've already set up a bologna sandwich date with two of your girlfriends tonight just FYI so thanks for keeping those naked pictures of both of them on your iPhone."
Skog: "I apologize! Please continue!" (dejectedly sips his bottle of Banana Red)
Sharpie: "Thank you! Okay - the Pooter! Essentially, this magical device makes previous fart simulators look like Whitman Samplers. The Pooter isn't battery-powered or remote-controlled, but this only adds to its overall organic feel. You should consider wetting it to maximize the queefing. That's what I do during pre-prank-prep."
The Nuge raises his hand: "I read an article about the Pooter in Popular Science. They gave it like a 9.5, and nominated it for Novelty Toy of the Year or something like that. Is it a timesaver, and does it travel well? Can you get it past the TSA?"
Sharpie (to The Nuge): "Thank you for your excellent questions and feedback, Nuge. I can tell you without hesitation that the Pooter has absolutely changed my life and has made me a better person. What the League doesn't want you guys to know is that we are all classified according to two categories: PRANKSTERS and PRANKEES. If you happen to be a PRANKSTER, like me, you will only stand to profit from having a Pooter in your life/carry-on. Just be careful not to chew or swallow these things. Kaner tried that earlier this year, and he spent over 12 hours in the ER getting a turbine enema. (roars and applause) Jumbo and Slappy will now 'Sloppy Slappy' the Pooter so you can see for yourselves!"
Jumbo and Slappy attempt to demo the Pooter but they just end up making a sloppy mess of things. They even try using elephant gum finger puppets to prove their point until Burrito assumes damage control.
Burrito: "Okay kids! Pootorial is over! Time for Booze Cruise Jeopardy! hosted by yours truly in the downstairs auditorium! Let's see who can down the most Pinnacle Butterscotch shots on the way down!"
The Rookies chase Burrito around the mini-bars but they just can't catch him. They stagger into the auditorium and are wowed at the sight of a perfect Jeopardy! replica set. Newly exhilarated, Burrito's inner game show host takes over and he owns the stage. "Okay bitches! Welcome to Booze Cruise Jeopardy!
Here are your categories this afternoon:
MY AGENT MADE ME DO IT
COACH Q'S ULCER
EAT ME DAVID POILE
GARY ROBERTS KOMBUCHA RECIPES
NOODLES & HENRIK
and DANY HEATLEY'S PERM
Marky-Mark excitedly pumps his buzzer before the match has even officially started: "Burrito, Burrito! Who's David Poile?"
Burrito: "Your budget-conscious bitch, BITCH! But since you won the draw, you can go ahead and select the first category you compulsive dingbat."
Marky-Mark: "I'll go with "Noodles & Henrik" for 100, Burrito!"
Burrito: "You have no fricking idea who they are, do you?"
Marky-Mark: "Euhhh - nope! But I like the sound of their names!"
Burrito: (sighs) "Of course you do. Here we go: 'NOODLES & HENRIK HAVE FEATURED ME TO STAR AS THEIR DATE NIGHT FRIDAY HOW MANY TIMES?'"
At this very moment, the one-and-only Alex Trebek hobbles into the room on crutches. Fresh from his recent altercation with a crack 'ho who tried to rob fellow hotel guests while he was staying at the ever-decadent San Francisco Marriott, 70-something Alex is the man-of-the-hour. The Rookies give him a standing ovation, as do the Chaps.
"Thank you! You are all much too kind!"
Captain Sharpie embraces his fellow Manitoban badass like a long-lost friend. "Alex - it's been way too long, buddy! Y'know everybody just assumes that since I spent most of my life in TB that's where my heart is but c'mon man! Manitoba is in da house! (laughs) You look awesome, baby. I hope I look half as cool as you when I'm in my '70s!"
Trebek: "Sharpie, what can I say? I am proud of the fact that you were born in Winnipeg. You represent us with perfection! Isn't it incredible the way the women just come out of the woodwork? Even the skanky crack 'hos. Clearly, she was stalking me. Much like what happens to you guys at Blackhawks Conventions. It really is a Manitoba phenomenon, isn't it?"
Sharpie: "Um, YEEah! Funny you should mention the 'Hawks Convention, because the exact same thing almost happened to me this summer! (The Rookies are riveted) There was this crazy bitch who was obsessed with Stalberg (audible gasps and laughter) - I know, right? But anyway... She totally evaded security and stalked us by the hotel elevators. (more gasps) She tried to make me give up his cell number because he bailed on a photo shoot. I wanted to tell her it was because of his zits, but I didn't want to risk inflaming an already volatile situation because this chick was super pissed. Cute, but PISSED!"
Trebek (nodding in agreeance): "It's always those cute, smart ones you have to watch out for! So FRISKY!"
Sharpie: "TELL me about it! Man, between Stalberg and Nicky Jarly, those Swedes have the batshittiest fans out there! (turns to Landeskog, Larsson and Brodin) Good luck, bitches!" (much cheering and whooping)
LUNCHTIME!!! The ship's public address system instructs the Rookies to proceed upstairs to the Pierre Elliotte Trudeau Memorial Cafeteria/Terrarium for lunch. Time for all-you-can-eat burgers, wieners and corn-on-the-cob under the sneezeguards.
Catering Director Jonesy: "Okay sons! Here's the deal with LUNCH! You can eat all you want at your own pace, but you have to eat it with cruise-issued MOUTHGUARDS, VISORS and HOCKEY GLOVES ON!!! (Chaps cheer and giggle)
Lars is about to choke a bitch: "Are you insane? How can this be legal? How is it possible to eat a meal while wearing hockey gear? This is an outrage. I refuse!"
Jonesy (to Larsson): "You deign to besmirch our good friends and Booze Cruise sponsors Man Cave Meatery and their scumpdillyishus meat products that are only ever fit for yummy men and their yummy man parts? Are YOU insane, Lars? WTF is your problem, broseph?"
The Nuge (to Lars): "Yeah, WTF is your problem? Why can't you STFU and eat and drink without whining about some fucking stupid bullshit? GodDAMN I already hate your Swedish guts and I haven't even had the chance to properly deke the shit outta your fat meatball-eating ass!"
Biz and Colonel Angus can barely contain their enthusiasm. "Wow, this one's got potential, eh?" Biz gushes to the Colonel. "No shit, Biz," Colby reminisces. "He reminds me of myself, when I was but a wimpy, scrawny little dipshit playing in Wilkes-Barre way back when... He's little, pasty and repulsive but he's got a ginormous ballsack and I fucking LOVE it!!!"
The Rookies are nearing the "food coma" stage when Verbeauty invites them to a special arts and crafts "Dessert & Finger Painting" clinic hosted by a very special guest of honor.
"C'mon everybody! It's time for dessert and finger painting with our very special Booze Cruise guest of honor, Bobby Ryan from the Anaheim Ducks!!!" (the Chaps boo and hiss)
Bobby: "Greetings, Rookies! I just wanna let you know how incredibly jealous I am that you guys get to have a fun weekend of sin like this 'cause believe me, when I was a rookie a mere six years ago I couldn't get arrested if I tried! But anyway! This clinic is about stress relief. Your lives are about to get WAY more stressful than you ever imagined! Finger painting is a fun way to kick that in the ass! Last year, me and Getz did this parody sketch thing about our winning gold and silver medals at the Olympics. One of the fake challenges involved painting. I ended up getting kinda hooked on it and now it's like a huge stress-relieving hobby for me. So I invite you all to "set your fingers free" and just free-form your socks off. I know it seems weird but trust me - there's something super liberating about it! Don't knock it 'til you try it! Your artist model is our very own Safety Concierge Biz Nasty! Make yourself comfy, Biz! Lookin' good! (Biz strikes a yoga/porn pose inspired by Rodin's 'The Thinker' in the middle of the room)
We've also got crayons, bedazzlers and spray paint for you to decorate and personalize your cruise-issued Snuggies. This is your chance to set your Snuggie apart!
The Rookies start scribbling and making a huge mess of their Snuggies and canvases. Bobby immediately singles out Skog's free-form finger sketch of Lars.
"Hey Skog - good job, bro! What was your inspiration here?"
Skog: "No idea! But you like it?"
Bobby: "Dude. It's a masterpiece! You've got real potential!"
Lars: "Potential for what? What are you trying to say, Skog? I look like a GIRL!" (the Chaps are laughing and the Rookies barely notice because they're food comatose)
Bobby diffuses the tension by handing out his special dessert to the Rookies. "Please, help yourselves to some of my homemade organic cotton candy!"
"Okay but I'm getting a tummy ache!" yells a cranky Zibby.
Something in Bobby's back pocket starts to vibrate. Fingerpainting's over, and he hurries to the nearest restroom.
"Rex Pimp to Rubber Duckie! Come in, Rubber Duckie! Rex Pimp to Rubber Duckie! Over!" Bobby locks himself in a stall and pulls a rubber duckie walkie-talkie vibrator out of his pants.
"Rubber Duckie to Rex Pimp! Over! Reporting to Rex Pimp!"
"Rex Pimp" is none other than Mark Recchi, who is checking in with his special operative Ryan ("Rubber Duckie") from aboard the outlaw geezer vessel SS You Gotta Be Kidding Me. "What's the status, Rubber Duckie? Have you seen him? Is he on board? Over."
Bobby/Rubber Duckie: "Sorry, Rex Pimp. No sign of Skinner anywhere. But I think you all will be very pleased with this kid they call the Nuge. He's been hyped like crazy 'cause he was picked first but I really think he might be able to live up to it. Stand by for photographic evidence, Rex Pimp. Over." Bobby transmits a photo of the Nuge to Rex Pimp via the duckie vibrator.
Recchi/Rex Pimp shows his fellow geezer cohorts the photo of the Nuge and together they silently gaze in wonderment upon his 'tweener girl physique clad in nothing but a one-piece periwinkle Speedo. Recchi's mates are Bill Guerin, Doug Weight, Rob Blake, Jeremy Roenick, Marty Turco and Brendan Shanahan.
Joining them are two super bored "badass geezer interns in training" in the form of Matt Duchene and Logan Couture.
"Don't you wish he was wearing a bikini, instead?" JR asks. "I wanna see what he looks like in a bikini!"
Recchi (to JR): "Up your nose with a rubber hose, JR. I saw him first and I'm captain of this vessel! He's way hotter than Skinner, if that's even possible." (looks at his crew) "We must save him - rescue him - from this doomed cruise as soon as possible before he is tainted forever. Remember what happened to us way back when, and we didn't even need a ship! If this young soldier is saved, maybe I will never ever have to worry about being photographed with a giant cupcake again!"
Guerin nods his head and opens a secret latch in the boat floor. "Yo Robs! You down there?"
END OF EPISODE 2