Senin, 05 September 2011

Labor Day Slacker: Who's The Hardest Working NHLer

It seems as though MouthGuard is on a roll and she wrote up a special Labor Day piece for us.

Read and enjoy all of these hard-workers/slackers in the NHL.



Where oh where has the summer of 2011 GONE, already?! Is it just me or has this year - and especially this summer - zipped by faster than it takes Drew Doughty to polish off an entire Chocolate Explosion Cake at Futures on Bloor & Bathurst?

Guffaw all you want, but the pictures don't lie, eh? Somebody's been basing his "off-season training" at Futures Bakery. Not that there's anything necessarily WRONG with that, because as we shall discover Mr. D certainly isn't the only hockey player who has been dedicating his summer to mostly fucking off, eating, drinking, partying, and eating. And fucking off. We've all heard about how the "new" NHL is different and better and faster and sleeker and more politically correct and blah blah BLAH.

Bull. Shit.

Hockey is hockey and playas are PLAYAS, bitches. They DON'T CHANGE FOR SHIT. Thank goodness!

As we prepare for the new hockey season and say "buh-bye" to the largely depressing off-season summer that was 2011, here's some delightfully damning photographic evidence of what some of our most beloved NHL'ers DID NOT do to keep themselves fit and together.

Subject: Logan Couture
Team: San Jose Sharks
Off-Season Activity: Golfing in orange pantaloons. Ridiculous, stupid gratuitous tweeting. Cutting his hair and twitpic'ing the aftermath. Wearing tie-dyed tops and attending fake batting practice with Ryan Clowe.

Conclusion: Juicy/LoCo spent probably 5% of his summer working out/bulking up because he was way too self-obsessed with his hair, his clothes and getting smoked out with Brent Burns. He was also the unofficial "party animal" at the NHL Awards in Vegas. Well done, Juicy!

Subject: Drew Doughty
Team: Los Angeles Kings (for now, anyway)
Off-Season Activity: Eating a fuckload of cake at Futures Bakery on Bloor & Bathurst. Pretending to play golf wearing obnoxious (but awesome) harlequin-patterned golf shorts that would do Freddie Mercury proud people. Pretending to play softball at charity games back home. Picking his toes.

Conclusion: The Pillsbury Doughboy spent maybe - maybe! - 2% of his summer working out/slimming down because he was way too horny and hungry. Well done, Doughboy! See ya at Candybar next time you're up in the Bay Area. The award-winning peanut butter and jelly cake is on me, sweetness!

Subject: Jordan Staal
Team: Pittsburgh Penguins
Off-Season Activity: Schmoozing with Eurotrash celebutards at the Cannes Film Festival. Drunk-fishing at the Dells. Public urination. Pulling a roomba around for a week and inviting PensTV to film it so it seemed like he was actually working out this summer - busted, Jordan!

Conclusion: Jordayyyynnnn spent a grand total of 12% of his summer toning his sickeningly svelte physique because he was way too down with expanding his European portfolio. Understandable, sweetheart!

Subject: Mike Richards
Team: Los Angeles Kings
Off-Season Activity: Getting traded. Getting his bromance with Carts splintered by that heartless bitch Holmgren. Huntin' and fishin' at his luxurious Lake of the Woods cottage. Gambling away his soul at Briere's charity golf tournament.

Conclusion: Richie spent 14% of his summer drinking, fishing, boating and decompressing away his misery in the wake of his trade from the Flyers to the Kings. But we have every reason to believe he will be the Best Thing That Ever Happened to the Kings since Gretzky so party on Richie and keep the faith girl!

Subject: Evgeni Malkin
Team: Pittsburgh Penguins
Off-Season Activity: Attending requisite wild and crazy Russian orgy weddings. Braiding his girlfriend's hair. Rehabbing his knee like a crazy man. Perspiring and smiling a lot in PensTV videos.

Conclusion: Geno really got down to business this summer and dedicated a whopping 20% of his time to rehabbing his knee and firming up his anemic Siberian pectorals. He can get away with all sorts of bullshit though because his smile is so fricking infectious and he has super sexy crazy legs. Gene Gene You Dancing Machine, You!

Subject: Kris LeTang
Team: Pittsburgh Penguins
Off-Season Activity: Lounging on the beach at Cabo with random bleached blonde 'hos. Attending the Grand Prix at Ile Notre Dame. Experimenting with new and exciting seaweed leave-in conditioners. "Changing up" his gym workouts for the cameras.

Conclusion: LePoonTang is only kidding himself if he seriously thinks we will believe he has a for-real work ethic when he's clearly been spending 99% of his summer time working on his tan. But it's a-okay because he's a himbo and we don't expect much of him in the cerebellum department in the first place. He is what he is and shallowness is next to godliness, so...

Subject: Brent Burns
Team: San Jose Sharks
Off-Season Activity: Acquainting his newly-traded, wasted ass with the Holy Land that is the San Francisco Bay Area, dudes. Going wine-tasting. Going house hunting. Going surfing. Getting WAYSTED and staying tasty. Playing Maiden-like twin guitar leads with his BFF Matt Duchene.

Conclusion: Ya gotta cut Burnzie major slack this summer because he was just traded and he became a father for the second time in like less than a year so... A transition period is warranted here! Plus, he has a fantastic body and is one of those enviable types who doesn't necessarily have to work out a whole lot to stay in shape. He exercises in the great outdoors and flexes his muscles with hydroponics instead of aerobics. If you catch my drift.

Subject: Danny Briere
Team: Philadelphia Flyers
Off-Season Activity: Hosting a bogus celebrity golfing tournament in the name of charity but really it's a sleazy excuse to gamble and hit on 'hos. Trying to stay excited about playing for the Flyers.

Conclusion: Danny spent the summer of 2011 contending with being the front-runner for captain on a team that was literally ripped apart by controversial trades. He mostly chilled with his BFF and housemate Claude Giroux and stayed outta trouble, which could be a lot worse. Props to you, Danny!

Subjects: Max Talbot, Brent Seabrook, Alex Ovechkin, Colby Armstrong
Teams: Philadelphia Flyers, Chicago Blackhawks, Washington CapiTOOLS, Toronto Maple Leafs
Off-Season Activity: Superstar wandered Mexico half-naked subsequent to his deal with the Flyers. Seabs cuddled with marine life in a wetsuit. Ovie wore a vaguely inappropriate hair burqa at a football game in Russia. Colonel Angus attended CFNY's "SausageFest."

Conclusion: Ovie for real started to crack under the pressure of being captain and not being able to take things to home base - not entirely surprising, but still! Superstar swore that the Philly deal was exactly what he wanted, but it seemed clear that the reality of being a non-entity in Pittsburgh was way worse than he ever imagined. Seabs doesn't even exercise during the regular season anyway so why fix it if it ain't broke, right? And how can you hate on a hockey player who owns up to his love for wieners? Outstanding!

Subject: Josh "Gorgy-Porgy" Gorges
Team: Montreal Canadiens
Off-Season Activity: Eating. Drinking. Riding shotgun with the Snowbirds. Watching his friends/teammates exercise under the guise of "pushing (them) to keep goin'..."

Conclusion: Gorgy-Porgy is the landslide Labor Day 2011 Slacker Grand Prize Winner. You have to give it up for a guy who looks the camera straight in the eyeball and swears that " the best thing is to have somebody standing beside you and pushing you, saying 'keep goin' keep goin' 'cause it's tough, you wanna quit and your legs get tired..." when really all he's doing is watching everybody else work out because he's too fricking lazy to do something about that bedaine that even the roomiest XXXL t-shirt can't camouflage. Nice try, Fatty! May your "system" keep workin' for ya!

Oh, and Slackers: WE SALUTE YOU!!!

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