Jumat, 02 September 2011

Date Night Friday: Ryan Kesler

So this date was a suggestion and written up by Elea. We cannot deny a Canucks fan this one pleasure since this summer has been so hard.


Hello, ladies.

This is Ryan Kesler and this is the date you will have with him should you choose to accept it:

He calls you up two days before your date and tells you he's taking you away somewhere for your first date. You think 'Paris' and spend four months salary at Holt Renfrew, picking up 4" Louboutins and a new dress by Ghost.

He picks you up on a Harley-Davidson, his bike leathers gleaming. You struggle onto the back of his bike, trying not to flash the neighbours, and he heads south. Okay, not Paris, but Seattle is pretty cool, you think, clinging to his hips.

You are clinging to his hips strictly out of consideration for his healing shoulder, not because you are having RK17 underwear flashbacks.

At the border crossing, he unzips his leather jacket to reveal his Olympic medal. The American border guards prostrate themselves and wave him through, and the two of you zoom through the warm evening air. To your surprise, he turns east instead of continuing south.

"Where are we going?" you yell, trying not to inhale small insects.

"You'll see," he says. You pull up at a roadhouse somewhere near Sumas, a small town that consists of a Christian radio station and some cows. When the hostess sees his Olympic medal, she prostrates herself but not before pointing to a booth in the back.

There are buckets of unshelled peanuts on each table. Patrons are encouraged to eat them and throw the shells on the concrete floor of the restaurant, which makes for a very crunchy walk to the restrooms.

After dinner, which consists of steak and baked potatoes, you hit the dance floor to 'Born to be Wild'. Kes is trying to let loose but tells you he's under strict instructions not to move his shoulders, so he dances only from the waist down.

It is extremely distracting because it is causing you to have RK17 underwear flashbacks, which makes dancing in stilettos on a floor of peanut shells even more dangerous.

Over desert he tells you that, although it's been a couple of months, it's still difficult to put The Loss in some perspective. You are confronted with the exquisite agony that is Manpain, and you are unable to tear your eyes away.

After dinner, you head north again, and when he gets to the front of the line at the Canadian border he unzips his jacket to reveal his Canucks jersey. The Canadian border guards prostrate themselves at the sight of it and wave him through.

He drops you at the first Skytrain station he comes to, explaining that he has to have an early night because training camp is starting soon.

You sink into a seat on the train and spend the trip home pulling off peanut shells that have become skewered onto your heels.


As always, you can comment and vote on this date.

Did you like Elea's rendition of a date with KesTroll? Was it something you would do and not tell anyone? That's our answer.

And do not forget that it's okay to lust after a rival as long as you know where your true allegiance lies in the morning.

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