Minggu, 04 September 2011

Rookie Booze Cruise: High Seas Drama (Episode #1)

Mouthguard has been working on this series for months now and we are beyond excited to get this started finally.

The first four parts are her and the last four parts are Noodles. We figured that a collaboration would be a lot of fun, to bring two minds that love sick humor and hilarious pictures together in one feature.

Hope you enjoy it.


Rookie Booze Cruise 2011: HIGH SEAS DRAMA


"Lord have mercy..." Ice-T is shaking his head at his wife, Coco and her walk-in shoe closet.

Adam Burish and his bang-o-meter are watching both of them and Coco's shoes from the comfort of his bed. Until his iPhone rings. Sigh, oh okay okay alright. "YEEah? Dude what do you want? Do you know what time it is?"

"Hey sexy! What are you wearing?" It's the unmistakable snark of Burish's prankster-in-crime, Patrick Sharp.

Burrito: "A Nikita romper with matching vinyl pasties. And you?"

Sharpie: "Aw - did I interrupt your nighty-night beat-off session? Sounds like somebody's got a case of the Mondays! Fuzzy slippers and buttfloss. The usual."

Burrito: "Whatever, 'Chicago's Sexiest' Buttmunch Wad. Shouldn't you be giving your wife a foot rub? (scratching his ass) This better be good because I'm in the middle of an 'Ice Loves Coco' marathon."

Sharpie: "Yeah yeah yeah. This is not only better than 'good', it's freaking EPIC. You will thank me and have your flight booked by the time we are done, honey bunny. (giggling like a school girl)

Listen, I just got a call from my peeps and you're not gonna believe this! The PA has put together this completely batshit 'inaugurational experience' for the Draft Class called 'The Rookie Cruise.' (can hardly talk) It's a total PR sham but whatever, right? The idea is the kids get to have a proper retro orgy before they officially go pro!" (cackles maniacally)

Burrito: "Wait - like, a 'last hurrah type' of hoedown?" (howling)

Sharpie: "That is correct, Sir!" (buah hah hah hah hah) But get this: They need 'chaperones' for the weekend to make sure nothing 'untoward' happens and also to usher them from brotheldom back to the squeaky clean Tidy Bowl that is the NHL when it's all over!!!" (wheezing) Wanna? We get to pick who comes with and coordinate their 'educational activities', man!"

Burrito: "NO WAY!!! For real? When do we start and where do we begin?" (jumps out of bed stark naked)

Sharpie: "TOMORROW, girlfriend! Book your buttcheeks a flight to 'scenic' Lake St. Clair and voila! - you're there and ready to board, baby! Pack some inappropriate loungewear and come up with three guys you want on our team. I already picked my three."

Burrito: "Easy! Who you got?"

Sharpie: "I got Steeger, Kes and Jumbo!"

Burrito: "I raise you and pick Jones, Biz and Colonel Angus!"

Sharpie: "Beauty!"

Burrito: "DONE!"

Sharpie: "Nighty-night honey."

Burrito: "Sweet dreams, pumpkin poops. I love you man. Oh, and thank you!"

Sharpie: "No - thank YOU!" (click)


For better or for worse, hockey players have had an undeniably special relationship with firewater since the dawn of time.

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

Exhibit C:

Exhibit D:

Exhibit E:

Exhibit F:

Okay enough exhibits. You get the idea. For all their undeniable athletic prowess, hockey players are also guilty-as-charged closeted drunkards.

One of the grander time-honored NHL traditions is for a veteran to hold a rookie's hand and lock him in the lion cage in the Bigs. With a mountain of liquor. Without further ado and which mucho fanfare, behold.... ROOKIE BOOZE CRUISE 2011.

The Chaperones ("Chaps"):

Commodore Patrick Sharp ("Sharpie" - Chicago Blackhawks)

First Mate Adam Burish ("Burrito" - Dallas Stars)

"Dr." Ryan Kesler ("Kes" - Vancouver Canucks)

Catering Director Ryan Jones ("Jonesy" - Edmonton Oilers)

Communications Director Colby Armstrong ("Colonel Angus" - Toronto Maple Leafs)

Safety Director/Concierge Paul Bissonnette ("Biz Nasty" - Phoenix Coyotes)

Entertainment Directors Kris Versteeg ("Steeger/Verbeauty" - Florida Panthers)

and Joe Thornton ("Jumbo" - San Jose Sharks)

The Rookies ("Rookies"):

1. Ryan Nugent-Hopkins ("the Nuge" - Edmonton Oilers)

2. Gabriel Landeskog ("Skog" - Colorado Avalanche)

3. Jonathan Huberdeau ("Hubie" - Florida Panthers)

4. Adam Larsson ("Lars" - New Jersey Devils)

5. Ryan Strome ("Bob" - New York Islanders)

6. Mika Zibanejad ("Zibby" - Ottawa Senators)

7. Mark Schiefele ("Marky-Mark" - Winnipeg Jets)

8. Sean Couturier ("Coo-Coo" - Philadelphia Flyers)

9. Dougie Hamilton ("the Dougie" - Boston Bruins)

10. Jonas Brodin ("Brooks Orpik" - Minnesota Wild)


THE LOCATION: Beautiful, scenic Lake St. Clair.

Conveniently nestled along the Canada-U.S. border, Lake St. Clair is a sportsman's paradise and a no-brainer tourist destination for families from Escanaba, Michigan; Iron River, Wisconsin; Roseau, Minnesota; Dauphin, Manitoba; and Sudbury, Ontario who are looking to escape from it all to someplace idyllic and classy along the Detroit-Windsor corridor. World-famous for its cutting-edge sewage treatment plants and budget-conscious accommodations, Lake St. Clair is where you want to be if you can't decide between Canada or the States and most important, if you want to evade the long arm of maritime law. Yes. Perfect for a hockey player.

"What a DUMP!" Biz Nasty is holding his nose and complaining to Jumbo. "I can't believe I agreed to this!"

Jumbo: "You're kidding, right? You know that Lake St. Clair is fucking LAWLESS, right? It's stuck on the border and Canada and the States have been fighting over it forever. All they do is argue about which laws apply, and NONE of them apply! It's great! It means we can literally DO ANYTHING to these little punkasses and NOTHING WILL HAPPEN TO US! Don't you get it?"

Biz grins and now the two of them are comparing their respective photos of Adam Larsson

and Dougie Hamilton with Ryan Strome.


Biz: "WTF am I looking at, Jum?"

Jumbo: "Dude you need to ease up on the sunscreen, eh? It's Lake St. Clair, not Montserrat. I dunno what you're looking at, but I've got me a sweet wannabe bromance in the making here. (smirks) How DARE they!"

Biz: "Is Lars reapplying leave-in conditioner here, or what?"

Jumbo: "Fuck if I know!"

Jonesy joins them and shows them his photo of the Nuge.

"OMG this is going to be so killer! LOOK at this!

Can you believe this freakball? He's gonna be my teammate!" (they're doubled over laughing) When did hockey players start looking like Strokes rejects?"

On perfect hipster cue, Strokes wannabe Sean Couturier wanders over to them with his 12 monogrammed Hermes goat leather suitcases.

"Excusez moi, but is this the 'Rookie Booze Cruise' boat?"

Biz: "Hey kiddo, what's shakin'? (trying not to laugh) You have come to the right place! You must be so excited. Chris Pronger can hardly wait to beat - er - meet you!" (tee hee hee)

Jumbo: "You found us! Yay! Lemme help you with your bags, bro. It's Sean, right?"

Coo-Coo: "C'est ca, ouais. Merci, mais j'chu bien capable --"

Jumbo: "Non non mon peetee ami merseeur. I got this! You just go get your friends and tell 'em Jumbo said to hurry the fuck up, 'kay? We're setting sail in t-minus 0-300 hours or something."

Coo-Coo corrals his fellow draftees and their luggage, and they excitedly clamor aboard. Lars and Skog are even holding hands.

Once the loading ramp doors are bolted shut, Colby Armstrong blows a whistle and gathers everybody around.

"Okay kids, listen up! My name is Colby and I am your cruise Communications Director. However, you should call me Colonel Angus from this moment forward! It's time to set sail! Here's what you need to know before we can get this party started! He pulls out a list and a megaphone, and yells out bullet points like so:

Captain Sharpie informs me that our course will consist of cruising around Lake St. Clair between Windsor and Detroit. But mostly we'll be cruising around in circles and dropping trou in the middle of the Lake. (much gasping and whooping)

You have been invited on this adventure because you're "special." This means you are NOT permitted to bring along significant others, pets, billets, parents, nutritionists, publicity reps or agents.

Most important, Patrick Kane - or any other jealous, "born again" rookie wannabe - can suck it and is absolutely banned from coming aboard. Geddit? If they are not on the guest list they will be bounced overboard end-of-story. This cruise did not exist when those losers were rookies so it's just boo frickity hoo and tough titties for them.

Me and my buddies are your official NHLPA-approved chaperones. You can call us the "Chaps" if you want. Ask us if you have any questions or concerns about your experience, but know that you are pretty much our virtual love dolls for this entire weekend.


Because Lake St. Clair is a lawless lake, that's why. Canadian and American maritime laws conflict here, so they cancel each other out. This means there is NO LAW ON THIS LAKE. (the Chaps cheer and applaud; the Rookies are suddenly nervous and clammy) So anything goes, bitches!!!

That said, maritime law states that you are permitted to bring anything you want aboard ship. But that doesn't mean you will be allowed to wear and/or use it! So hand over all your worldly possessions - yes, even that dorky luggage of yours, Coo-Coo - and take all your clothes off! NOW!!! (the Rookies hurriedly hand over their things and rip off their clothing; Verbeauty is pointing and laughing at Schiefele's privates) Don't worry. Your belongings will be returned to you but I can't say what kind of condition they'll be in. Sorry, boys!

You will also turn in your cell phones, iPods, iPads, laptops, beepers, chargers, 8-track tapes, Milkbones, pen knives and any color toner cartridges you might have brought with you. NOW!!! (the Rookies reluctantly hand over their gadgets/treats; Burrito promptly hacks into Skog's iPhone and e-mails himself photos of Skog's girlfriend penpals)

Jumbo has our official ROOKIE BOOZE CRUISE 2011 cruise-appointed uniform!!! (the Chaps are doubled over laughing) These are soon-to-be-collectible "Class of 2011" Snuggies that you ARE NOT ALLOWED TO REMOVE for the whole cruise. Geddit? You can't take these off, unless you're decorating them in the arts and crafts clinic that's coming up.

(Larsson is furious: "This is an outrage! You expect us to wear nothing but an ugly Snuggie for 3 days? Are you crazy? The backsides have been cut out of them!")

Wait a second - are you saying you don't like our Snuggies, Lars? (Chaps "whooo"; Colonel Angus makes a pouty face) Say it ain't so, kiddo! I think they look very fashion-forward! In fact, it looks like Zibby already has one! Good job, Zibby!

Look, you'll be encouraged to decorate and personalize your Snuggies in the arts and crafts clinic I just mentioned, 'kay? So it won't seem so bad. You'll see! But if any of you trolls has a serious moral problem with your Snuggie, you will be permitted to wear one of the following alternate cruise-issued items: An Oilers Tube Top (go Nuge!)

OR a Bruins Bikini (sexy eh Dougie?)!!! (Chaps are howling; Larsson is fuming)

Okay I'm going to turn the floor over to my colleague, Jonesy, who is your cruise Catering Director. Jonesy!"

The Rookies grudgingly put on their Snuggies as Jonesy proceeds to direct their attention to the "mini-bar refreshment stations" that are scattered throughout the vessel.

"Okay these fully-stocked mini-bars are located every 100 feet on this boat! How cool is that?" (Rookies cheer and start to feel better) "Here are instructional handouts on how to use the mini-bars, and your accompanying liquor checklist courtesy of our good friends and official Booze Cruise sponsor, Modern Drunkard magazine."

To quote Collette Reardon, 'It's a great time to be medicated!' but don't say we didn't warn ya!

Now, how about some Booze Cruise souvenir grab bags, eh? Jumbo, why don't you and Slappy give the boys some sugar!"

Jumbo and Slappy wheel in a luggage cart packed with brightly-colored grab bags for each of the Rookies.

"Hey kids - here's what's in your soon-to-be-collectible 'Class of 2011' grab bags!

Emergency Affirmation Buttons! (because you're awesome even if Coach repeatedly tells you you're not!)

A Do-It-Yourself Home Bidet System!

Fart Absorbers!

FlipFlop ChurchKeys! (Jones: "Oh man I want one of those!")

Grillz Candy! (just grape and apple though)

Handerpants! (Verbeauty: "These are SO FRICKING COOL guys!")

Home Tattoo Kits!

Instant Underpants! (awesome)

Pork Soda ('It's like drinking a pig!)

'Stache Candy

'Stache Pops (Colonel Angus: "A Movember must-have!")

Vampire Candy Corn Dolls (Verbeauty: "Just in time for Hallowe'en!")

The Rookies trample Slappy and Jumbo, tearing open their grab bags and scarfing down their candy like famished children. Six refreshment stations are emptied of their contents within seconds. But omnipresent signage by the grand staircase points them to their first Booze Cruise seminar...


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