Rookie Booze Cruise 2011: HIGH SEAS DRAMA
"Mmmffffhhhh!!! Mmmffffhhh!!!! MMMMMMMMMMFFFFFHHHHH!!!!"
The Nuge is gagged, bound and PISSED. Bob Seguin kinda notices, sticking his face right into the Nuge's:
"Aw, calm down little chickie! We ain't gonna hurt ya honey! (chewing gum, giggling) Just shut your piehole and let Daddy do his bong hits in peace, eh? (turning around) Hey Kaner, WTF you doin'? It's like we're goin' in circles!"
Indeed, the Born Agains' sleek new pirate vessel - the SS Doggy Style - is experiencing navigational difficulties because its inebriated pilot doesn't know how to drive a stick.
"Back off Bob! I only drive automatic! (snorting) But I'm pretty sure we didn't see that jellyfish five minutes ago so we must be going in the right direction!"
"SS Fuck You to SS Doggy Style! Come in, Doggy! Over!" It's Jeff Carter, Joffrey Lupul and Scott Hartnell checking in on the pirate shiplet from the mothership radio.
"What's up you fucking pirates? Over!" (giggling) Bob grabs the Doggy radio and spits out a response. "SS Doggy to SS Fuck You! Hey, FUCK YOU! (cracking himself, Kaner and the Born Agains on the other end up) No wait - FUCK ME! (ha ha hah hah hah) Hey we got the Nuge! We got him! He's right here! Wanna say hi?"
"Yeah why don't you send us a picture of the little bitch, 'cause we don't believe that you two losers actually captured him! We want photographic proof!"
Bob and Kaner are laughing so hard the Doggy Style is rapidly sinking to the bottom of the lake. "O-ohhkaaay - hhheeeehhhheeeee - you asked, you got!"
Richie and Carts are squinting at the photos.
They have their doubts. "Dudes, these pictures are so BOGUS! This isn't the Nuge! It's a LADY! Go back and get him!" (more laughing. The Nuge is kicking, and saying "Mmmffffhhhh!!!")
"I know! At first I had to double-check the mugshot but I SWEAR THIS IS HIM and he's sitting right here kicking! Look - here's a picture of me being forced to meet him and his lame girlfriends a few months ago. He was super boring then and he's even boringer now! I just don't get all the FUSS over these little bitches..."
Kaner lets go of the steering wheel to look for himself: "Lemme see! Oh man you DO look like you're gonna stab yourself there. Sweet!"
The Born Agains are believers! "Okay we believe you! Now get back here NOW 'cause once they discover the note they're gonna tweet us and they'll call the Coast Guard! You remembered to leave the note, right?"
Kaner isn't sure and Bob can't remember, but they say yeah and hang up on the Fuck You Holmgren.
Meanwhile, back on the Booze Cruise, Colonel Angus and Jonesy hug the boys and reassure them that their Nuge will be recovered safe, sound and hungover not to worry.
"Now now boys you just sit back, take your medication as directed, wash everything down with some scotch and let us Chaps handle this grown-up predicament, 'kay?"
Sharpie chimes in: "Absotively kids! No need to allow this little incident to ruin what's left of our landmark adventure! Just drink up, relax and enjoy!"
"Yeah, it'll be like the Nuge never was here!" interjects Verbeautiful.
"But having said that, I think it's only appropriate for us to suspend the following activities that were on our entertainment program today: Heavy Metal Spelling Bee; Buttless Musical Chairs; Pole-Dancing Demo/Tutorial; and Egg Racing. (awwws and heavy sighs all around) I'm sure you'll agree that these activities just wouldn't be the same without our Nuge. And Jumbo will be bummed that we have also postponed the ventriloquist puppet show and the "Will Pursuing A Career As An Offseason Competitive Eater Impact My Conditioning?" clinic but on the positive side, the awesome Scandinavian black 'n roll concert I planned for this evening featuring Kvelertak and Bullet is still going forward and will totally take your peabrains off this hot mess!"
"Hey Sharpie - what's up?" Verbeauty looks down at Sharpie, who is clutching his stomach in agony. "Verbeauty - go get Dr. Kesler! My tummy just exploded!" Skog and Larsson dash over to Sharpie with an AED, ready to jolt him.
Dr. Kesler appears out of nowhere, pushing them out of his way with a portable x-ray machine. "Sharpie, don't move! I think I know what the problem is. I've been there and I feel your pain brother man!"
The Rookies watch as he fastens a rubber bib around Sharpie's neck and takes a single perfect x-ray of Sharpie's abdomen.
He waves the film at the Rookies, proclaiming, "As I suspected! Sharpie, you'll live! A few rounds of Metamucil and you'll be good as new." Brooks points at the x-ray and can't help himself: "Eum -- dat is a mini-moto, ya? In his pooper?"
Dr. Kesler nods his head. "Oh yeah. Happens all the time. This is the bigs, don't forget."
"You WHAT??? What are you talking about? What do you mean you know all about this?" Gary Roberts is locked in a bathroom stall with Bobby Ryan, who is looking up at him from the toilet.
"Robs, would it be okay if I used a paper seat cover?" Robs can't believe what Bobby has just admitted. "No you can't use a seat cover and you still haven't answered my question. Whose side are you on anyway? Are you with US or are you ONE OF THEM?! Eh?!" Logan and Matt are fixing their hair and make-up in the vanity mirror just outside the stall.
Together: "Dude - you are in SO MUCH TROUBLE! Wait 'til Rex Pimp hears about this!" (ha ha ha) Bobby is beyond remorseful. "They made me do it, Robs! I swear! Getz blackmailed me. He told me to plant bedbugs in their bunks so they'd have to relocate somewhere up top in a big hurry. Then, the Born Agains would have a window to be pirates and rookienap him when nobody was noticing 'cause everybody was itching so bad... All they want to do is come on board and party. That's all they want! If we let them join in, they'll give back the Nuge."
"All they want to do is party like it's 1999, eh?" Robs is curiously contemplative. "Well Bobby, by the time we're done with them, they'll be wishing they were in jail in 2011! Right boys?" Logan and Matt nod, smirk and yawn. "Now wipe yourself and meet us below deck at the SS Cialis launchpad. I'll break the news to the Geezers. We're gonna assemble at Fort Recchi and go find the Nuge."
Watching all this excitement a mere half mile away from aboard his humble rowboat - the SS-22 - is Jordin Tootoo.
He thinks he hears random gunfire and cackling when all of a sudden his fishing line pulls so hard his little boat almost capsizes entirely. Jordin struggles to pull his catch into his boat when to his amazement, his catch actually pulls himself into the boat and plops down into Jordin's lap. Jordin cannot believe his eyes. "Buff, is that you? Buff! What the hell?!"
Dustin Byfuglien is so happy he can barely talk. "Toots, I'm so happy to see you! You have no idea! You saved my life, bro! I've been dog paddling for hours out here!" He hugs Jordin and the boat almost tips over again. "Buff - I'm so sorry I pulled so hard! To be honest, I thought you were a walrus. I was stoked to tell my grandma all about it and then I saw it was you... What are you doing out here if you don't mind my asking?"
"Dude, I'm just glad you didn't throw a banana at me or something! (laughs) I know I shouldn't complain, Toots, but I gotta tell ya I'm having trouble getting stoked about the new season. Things are falling apart for me, man. I'm moving for the second time in less than a year. I'm stuck playing a position I'm not into anymore. That arbitrator said I was worth way less than your teammate. I'm getting fatter and fatter. I'm so down, Toots. Can you help me out?" Jordin puts his hand on Buff's hot dog neck. "Buff, I got your back. You can talk to me. We'll figure this out!"
"Goddammit Kaner, what's your frickin' problem? Where did you learn to drive?" Bob can't believe how pathetic Kaner is at the controls. The SS Doggy Style is zigzagging all over the lake, and now appears to be headed straight for a mysterious land mass that doesn't seem to be on the map. "Wow, look at that thing, Bob!" Kaner is staring at the top of the island's volcano, which strongly resembles somebody their fellow Born Agains know all too well. "Doesn't that big fat head look familiar? I feel like I've seen that head somewhere before..." Bob doesn't see it. "You're trippin, Kaner!" But the Nuge knows exactly who it is. "It's Laviolette, you morons.
It's Dry Island. You're gonna crash this thing right into Dry Island because you're too high to drive. (Bob and Kaner start shaking. Nuge keeps going.) I can't BELIEVE how stupid you guys are. You're all jealous of us because we were invited onto this party boat. But really all it is is a bunch of stupid seminars and getting crap stuck up our butts. The chaperones are the ones who are doing most of the drinking - not us! Now look what you've done. You're hopeless, addicted numbskulls and you're gonna be stuck on Twitter-less Dry Island which is run by the biggest wackjob in the league and where the only bars allowed are made from sand. Sandbars. That's about it! Good going! Welcome to Dry Island, Assholes!!!"
Kaner and Bob pass out. The Nuge ducks and covers. The SS Doggy Style crashes into Dry Island...
END OF EPISODE 4
This is the end of MouthGuard's portion of this ridiculous adventure. Noodles is on the next four and we're all kind of scared of how this will end.
It should be grisly and awesome all at the same time.