This recap was written up for us by Claire and we appreciate her tackling one of the most puzzling teams in the NHL.
Washington Capital’s one-a-day
The jinxiest jinx of a photo that has ever existed in the entire world. Aka why the caps are chronic bridesmaids.
what happened in the off season:
a ton of trades with an early eye to the playoffs (enough conference titles...we want the ____!!)
the big news - 2 words: Tomas Vokoun. He's got great numbers despite playing for the Panthers. Two all-star appearances, a couple of goalie fights and...cheap as sh*t! 1 yr/ $1.5 million! wtf?
Everyone and their mom in DC has been waiting for a veteran goalie pick-up for the last oh 36 million seasons*, and despite our extreme love and devotion to up-and-coming Michal Neuvirth <3 - we think Vokoun won't be stealing Michal's sunshine too hardcore. Vokoun is Czech like Neuvy (would love to hear their funny Czech banter in the locker room, especially if Neuvy's shirtless), he's borderline almost geriatric and we doubt he'll be stealing the #1 spot for too long.
*on that note, welcome back Ollie the Goalie as the new associate Caps goalie coach!!
General Manager - George ‘Nanny’ McPhee
Owner - Ted ‘AOL Money Bags’ Leonsis
Coach - Bruce 'ice cream for breakfast' Boudreau (see HBO 24/7)
dead ringers: santa claus, alfred hitchcock, claude julian
Captain - Alexander '$10k stripper tab' Ovechkin
Known for his Winter Classic victory over arch-nemesis Sid the Kid; resemblance to James Bond’s villain Jaws; artfully deconstructed, geisha-like fashion eccentricities (why are all those 2 foot long laces hanging from your pants, Ovi? And those pimped-out, flapping—what are those—kidney pads? Please!!) and of course…the tramp stamp (lovingly featured in 24/7 and the NHL Award’s 24/6)
Who we love -
Matt ‘hockey player with a heart of gold’ Hendricks - gives 100 million% on the ice, not afraid to fight guys 10x bigger than him and for a 4th line guy, really comes through on the shoot-out.
and what self-respecting hockey fan couldn’t love this face?
others of note - the one-the only Mr. John ‘JC74’ Carlson
the inscrutable (& adorable) Michal ‘Hello Kitty’ Neuvirth
Who we hate -
Scott ‘waste of space’ Hannan (oh wait--he was traded :D), Mike ‘put your money where your mouth is’ Green - Nic ‘pull your shit together’ Backstrom (j/k – we still love you!!)- and Jeff ‘why the fuck am I here’ Beagle
Who we got in the off season -
Jeff ‘DC native son’ Halpern - former Caps captain ('05/'06); personal best 26 pts last season (since the lock-out); member of the tribe. (plus my sister used to go ga-ga over the Princeton star's baby blues) 1yr / $825 k
Troy ‘I have a cup’ Brouwer - 2 yrs / $4.7 million
Roman ‘the new Mike Green?*’ Hamrlik - 2 yrs / $7 million
* Despite scary injuries in '10/'11 and consistently meager post season showings, Greenie lives in coach Boudreau's garage so he's probably not going anywhere anytime soon
Joel ’28 year-old rookie’ Ward - 4 yrs / $12 million
Tomas ‘voookoooon’ Vokoun – 1 yr / $1.5 million
Who we lost -
Semyon ‘RIP’ Varlomov – there’re lots of things we'll miss about you—but those 1st and 2nd round picks from the Avs will come in handy and congrats on the 3 yr/$8.5 million contract!!
Eric ‘goin home to Manitoba’ Fehr
Boyd ‘Calder Cup’ Gordon
Matt ‘thug-life’ Bradley
Jason ‘better to have loved and lost’ Arnott
Scott ‘waste of space’ Hannan
Marco ‘guess what, I’m German’ Sturm
Where located - Our nation's capital
aka President Barak Obama's backyard.
Hotness level - 6.85
2 barely legal goalies
– Michal ‘Hello Kitty’ Neuvirth
– Braden ‘what kind of name is Braden’ Holtby
– Alexander '$10k stripper tab' Ovechkin