Rabu, 22 Juni 2011

A Very Donatella NHL Awards "Fashion Preview"

Thanks to MouthGuard again for this awesome fashion preview. It's worth the read and hilarious as hell.




(deafening applause and the unmistakable, pulsating tranny titty remix of Donna Summer's "I Feel Love" fills the room)

Hey, you crazy hockey fan beetches. Donatella Versace here. Welcome to my "NHL Awards Fashion Preview" special. Tonight, my special guests will be:

Hockey Hall of Famer & Like Greatest Player Ever or Whatever, Wayne Gretkiiii (via speakerphone)!

Hockey Hall of Famer, MouthGuard's True Love & For Sure Greatest Player Ever, Bobby WHOORRRRE!

Legendary Coaches Corner Guy & Crazy-Ass Cross-Dresser, Don Cherrrriiii & his RCMPosse Beetches, beetches!

B.A. Baracus Beetch from the A-Team, Meeester T!

A unique "roundtable" Q&A session with those Green Men whores from Vancouver!

And our very own intrepid NHL Awards pooparazzi about-town, Ry-han Meeeelller will pimp us to all the inside gossip about who will not be wearing what at this year's event!

All right all right all right you stooopid beetches why don't you just SHUT UP NOW and give it up for my too-hot-for-primetime boytoys for the evening, "Bob's Your Uncle" Seguin from the Stanley Cup champion Boston Broooins!

and Matt "Douchy" Duchene, from the 29th place Colorado Sasquatches!

Bob and Matt gyrate onstage in little more than giraffe-print Versace buttfloss, dated henna tribal ink and strategically-placed pejazzle to bling up their rather blah, un-European bulges. Bob is higher than hell on Donatella's left, lighting her ciggie. Matt is completely wasted on her right, sporting a suit jacket to cover his goosepimples and pouring her a fresh glass of Cristal chimp-pain:

Ahhh... To be 20 and in the midst of a 'shroom high in front of an oblivious live studio audience.

"Donatella, don't forget about tonight's sponsors!" Matt grins and winks at camera one. Bob is squinting because like everything has a shimmery halo. Even Donatella.

Oh, yeah. The SPONSORZ! All right all right all right you stooopid beetches why don't you just SHUT UP NOW and give it up for my too-hot-for-primetime SPONSORZ, REEEBOKKK SPEEDWEEECK (whatever the fuck those things are)! Dippity-Do Sport Hair Gel!

Oh GREAT. Hair gel. What IS it with you guys and the hair gel, heh? Just look at these pompadour'd nincompoops, would you? Amateurs!

Cheezy Cheeli Cheezeborger- and Cheezy Cheeli Chimp-Pain-Flavored Hootorade Protein Shakes! And Deep-Fried Kool-Aid!

Because nothing powers overtime in the EN-HAITCH-HELL like DEEP FRIED KOOL-AID! Just ask All-Star Fatass D-Men Dustin Byfuglien and Drew Doughty!

Okay okay okay all right. Let's get this beeetch on the road, heh? Tonight is all about SPORTZ and this shit so let's do some CRRRRUNCHIES and STRRRETCHINK to warm up before we welcome our guests, shall we?

Bob and Matt obey their boss's bidding and start doing maniacal jumping jacks and one-armed push-ups. Donatella unsuccessfully attempts to contort her stiff, crypt-keeperesque body into the shape of a question mark while holding her chimp-pain glass perfectly still and blowing cigarette smoke "o's" in her audience's general direction.

Okay okay okay all right. Enough with the warm-ups! (inhales) Now, everybody give it up for my first guest, Wayne Gretzkiiii!

Wayne is a hall of fame lame-ass beeetch because he's calling in on a Star-Trek SPEAKERPHONE with lots of blinky buttons instead of being here in PERSON in his tighty whitey GWGs. But whatever! (Bob boos. Matt rolls his eyes.) Wayne, what geeeves, heh?

"I'm awfully sorry I can't be there, Donatella. Believe me. It's nothing personal ---"

Zip it, Wayne. I get it. But can you answer me these questions? How come Janet drank all the chimp-pain in my Big Bobber Floating Cooler backstage? That was my special reserve for when Bobby WHOORRRRE comes on for his up-close-and-personal nterview in my goal-shaped waterbed. Right, kids? (Bob and Matt nod in agreeance.)

"Honestly, Donatella. I have no idea what happened but I will say that Janet frequently mistakes chimp-pain for caffeine-free Mountain Dew. She's done it a lot at cookouts back home..." (Bob boos. Matt rolls his eyes.)

LAME! Listen, Wayne. You have won the Hart Trophy too many times! (Bob and Matt nod in agreeance.) So who do you think will weeen this year, and which nominee will have the best outfit?

"I think Corey Perry will win the Hart this year, and I predict the nominee with the best outfit will be Martin St. Louis because he'll be wearing a miniature vintage leisure suit my fans have enthusiastically eBay'd for my action figure."

Oh GREAT. Your BLOW UP DOLL right? (Bob and Matt giggle.) What is it with you guys and your BLOW UP DOLLS, heh? Now, GET OUUUTTTT!!!

Well, that was painful and educational. (Bob and Matt make a face and nod in agreeance.) But here's the cure: The One & Only BOBBY WHOORRRRE!!!

Bobby, you look especially handsome tonight. Indeed, you remain a sexy beeetch after all these years. And to think, the only plastic body parts you have purchased for yourself are your magnificently sexy kryptonite kneecaps. Come here and check out my goal-shaped waterbed with my brand-new giraffe-print sheets!

"Ayyy, Bobby! Wassup, broseph?!" Bob plops down into Bobby's lap and sticks his finger in the air. "Check out Donatella's Phil Kessel Fathead on the ceiling! Way kinkier than a mirror, eh? Pull my finger, man!"

Bobby pulls Bob's finger and looks up at Phil awkwardly, then looks down because Matt is removing his shoes to give him a reverent foot rub.

ENOUGH! Stop manhandling my Bobby you little girly men! Bobby, can you answer me these questions? You won a ton of Norris trophies but you could always use more, yes? Who do you think will weeen this year, and which nominee will have the best outfit?

"First of all Donatella, I must tell you that you have never looked lovelier, smelled better and your breath has never been quite so minty fresh as it is right now. Second, I believe that Shea Weber will win the Norris and he will also be the best-dressed nominee because he will wisely not attempt to replicate one of my blow up doll looks.

He is hands-down the most dashing player in the league - in addition to being the NHL's best defenseman - so he doesn't need to worry about his wardrobe. I mean, let's be honest. He could show up and easily pull off a look like this if he wanted to:"

Fascinating! But Bobby, who will weeen the Messier Leadership award this year and which nominee will have the best outfit? And how come this Frankenstein beetch Zdano Charrrrrra keeps popping up everywhere like he's JLo or something?

He's nominated for the Norris and now this one, too. It's like the same beetches get nominated every year and the same teams weeen the Stanley Cup every year, too! Really, Pavel? Can't you geeve some other beetch a chance to weeen for a change? And between you and me and MouthGuard, I am big time worried about the safety of that Stanley Cup with Chara giving it serious face-time. He looks like he's going to French dip it like a turkey club and eat it with a side of home fries. Hey Zdano! Don't eat the Cup! Tell your Momma, too 'kay? Transylvanians. They are hopeless...

"Donatella, I can completely understand your frustration. These awards are a joke. But this is why we players focus on what really matters: What people are wearing. I believe that Nik Lidstrom will win the Messier this year and if he shows up wearing anything approximating what he wore last year to Henrik Zetterberg's destination wedding, for sure he'll win best-dressed.

He's yet another D-man who can pretty much get away with wearing his birthday suit to these functions. It's not fair, but it's fact. Of course, having said that it must be stressed that nobody can pull off 'naked D-man' quite like me." (Bob and Matt nod in agreeance)

"Look, we're wearing our birthday suits!"

Bob and Matt grab Bobby's hands and the three of them jump up and down on Donatella's waterbed until it springs a leak and floods the studio. GET OUUUTTTT!!!

Somebody give me some Deep-Fried Kool-Aid. I have a sick headache and you horny beetches got water all over my stage!!! What I put up with in the name of titillation. Now, everybody just shut up and give it up for my next guest, our pooparazzi Ry-han Meeeelller!!!

Ry-han, you sexy goaltender beetch. Look what these perverts did to my pipes, dammit! But can you answer me these questions, Ry-han? What's the deal with your hat? Do you have a blow up doll in your likeness? Please say no. Last year, you won the Vagina Trophy for best goalie. Who do you think will weeen the Vagina this year, and who will be the best dressed nominee?

Will the weeener need to be photoshopped to be presentable? Will your pooparazzi portraits be half as compelling as the retouches you made to those naked "art" photos you took of me when your wife was on location in Barbados?

"Hey, Donatella! The award is actually called the VEZINA - not the VAGINA - but I can totally understand the confusion. I don't have a blow up doll - at least, not yet - but the guy who I think will win the Vezina has a bitchin' doll. Check out Tim Thomas' action figure:

You have to admit, the likeness is pretty amazing if not a bit Shakespearean/Henry the 8th. It sucks that only one lucky goalie can win the Vagina - I mean, Vezina - because this year Pekka Rinne is almost as deserving. He'll most certainly be the best-dressed nominee. The dude is a stud - Pekka is Finnish for ' stud.' How many guys do you know can work a 'fro like this?"

Oh GREAT. More Predators and their disco fetish, heh? I am confused, yet stimulated. Hey, what does 'Tuukka' mean in Finnish? Why can't this guy get a Vagina?

GET OUUUTTTT!!! Now, everybody just shut up and give it up for my next guest, Don Cherrriii!!!

As usual, your outfit is screeching at me and your face looks like it was paintballed by a carrot. Don, you are appalling. But, can you answer me these questions? Who will weeen the Selke and who will be the best-dressed nominee? Can you explain the buzz for this Trotz guy and the Adams? Why is this beetch so special? And why do you have two Mounties with you? (Bob and Matt are visibly twitchy.)

"Now lookit Donatella - I ain't gonna lie here. I'm not big on your fresh tone, eh? But y'know what? You remind me of a bleached, post-menopausal version Stan Jonathan so you're a-okay by me. I predict that Ryan Kesler will win the Selke, and he will also be the best-dressed nominee despite the fact that he refuses to accept my fashion tips

The guy is more than a bit obsessed with his own derriere/torso region and I think it's sick, to be honest which ya. Just lookit:

I brought the Mounties - the FASHION POLICE, if you will - to monitor his wardrobe choices because he's just way outta hand with this cavorting around in public in his undies thing. I mean, it cost them the Cup didn't it? Everybody's blaming Luongo but geez. Put some clothes on, eh? And stop begging people to vote for ya on yer website!"

"That's why they call him the Skunkape!" Matt and Bob are cracking themselves up. LOOK WHO'S TALKING! There better not be pi-pi stains on my new giraffe sheets that's all I have to say to both of you!!! Now shut up while Don tells us what's the big deal with TROTZ. I don't get it because to me BYLLSSMMMAAAAAAAAAHHHHH is a SHOO-IN if he wears those crazy serial keeeler rubber gloves from that awful movie he was in on Haitch-Bee-HO.

"Barry's an old bud of mine from way back when, but I tell ya I've been seein' teenaged girls up at the cottage wearing this fashion-forward t-shirt here that pretty much says it all don't it?

He's got a certain something. A something that's gonna win him the Adams. The girls are way hotz for Trotz."

(At this very moment, the Green Men jog onto the stage and shoo Don and his Mounties away. They hold up a sign saying, "GET OUUUTTT!!!")

Oh GREAT. You freaks just couldn't wait until I called you onstage, could you? Were you peeeeesed that I insulted your boyfriend RK? Ladies and gentlemen, THE GREEN MEN!!!

So, I have to ask you beetches a bunch of questions after my babies pour Mommy more chimp-pain... (Donatella's arms are draped over Bob and Matt's shoulders, who are both glaring at the Green Men). What is the deal with the green leotards? And how come every time you are tormenting some poor beetch in the penalty box you both have teensy weensy boners? (Bob and Matt howl laughing) Explain please what you are doing here?

I mean, Tits is Russian and for sure that is hilarious but...?

And here?

C'mon. Mike Feesher? He is not at all funny - BORINK! - and his wife is even less funny/borinker.
And here?

Clearly, you have mistaken Duncan Keith for Patrick Kane. It's not nice to peek on the pretty D-men from BC with their enormous wieners, heh? Jealous much?

So answer me this: Are you going to crash the NHL Awards and hog as much camera time as possible? Is this your not-so-masterful plan? Well, the kids have a "big reveal" of their own for you! Hey kids, show the audience what these idiots REALLY LOOK LIKE without their disguise!

(Bob and Matt gleefully point telestrators are blowbacks of the legendary wrestling tag team the Killer Bees.)

It's almost as bad as when KISS took off their face paint, heh?

(At this very moment, Mr. T leaps onstage and pelts the Green Men with Snickers bars.)

"I pity the fools who don't know when to say when, and who torment delicate rookie souls at the NHL Awards!"

Oh GREAT. Way to peeessss off my SPONSORZ, Mr. T! "Oh, he's cool, Donatella - he's (BLo)gan Couture's bodyguard!" Matt explains.

"I wish I'd had him around to protect ME from the Green Men last season! But him and Skinner are supposedly concerned about being 'stalked' 'cause they're both up for the Calder and they know Stamkos and those guys will be sniffing around..." (Bob snickers.)

Tell me about it, my beautiful baby girls! That Skeeeener stole my hair and make-up beetches to make sure he looks on-point for the ceremony.

Can't we just get ALOOONNNNGGG people? Heh?

When will you all learn that at the NHL Awards, everybody's a weeener!



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