Senin, 06 Juni 2011

Tyler Seguin: Pimp In Training

Lately, we've been noticing a sudden emergence of a new wanna-be pimp. He's made an immediate impact in the Stanley Cup play offs. He almost overtook Taylor Hall for the number one spot in last year's draft. And he is fast becoming an integral part of his team's organization.

If you already know who we mean, then you truly think like us.

Say hello to your new Pimp in Training.

His name is Tyler Seguin and he plays for the Boston Bruins, bitches.

Now, you may ask yourself what exactly makes someone a wanna-be pimp. What does it take to be a badass, blazer-wearing mothereffin' pimp?

Patrick Kane knows.

He is the ultimate in wanna-be pimpness. (Notice that we say 'wanna-be' because the kids will never be actual pimps.) Kane knows what it takes to be hot with the ladies and be the ultra-cool hockey player.

It's all in his head, of course.

It starts with the attitude.

Wanna-be pimps think that they are hot-shit and can't do anything wrong. They think that women fall at their feet and they get whatever they want.

It is this attitude, this feeling that they are superior to anyone else and that they know what it takes to be cool, that keeps them running as wanna-be pimps.

Next step is the outfit.

These boys know how to dress (most of the time, of course). They wear pin-striped suits and have wrinkled shirts that scream 'I just had sex. With a woman'.

Sometimes hats will adorn their heads to just show how devil-may-care they are and how much they don't care what you think about them.

Now we go to the face.

Their eyes are lazy and uncaring, showing that they don't care what you think and they do whatever the hell they want.

Because they think that they're badasses. Duh. And as long as they think that they are the ultimate woman-magnet, that's all that matters.

Then there's the smirk.

Oh, that half-smile that just screams 'I don't give a shit about you or your real-world rules'. It's essential to be a wanna-be pimp.

And speaking of the face, there is also the most important face that a wanna-be pimp has to have: the 'bitch-please' face.

Every wanna-be pimp has it and they use it whenever they feel they are being wronged.

Now, we move onto the posture of a wanna-be pimp.

A wanna-be pimp walks like he doesn't care, like he has a limp on one side and just doesn't give a shit about it.

He also slouches in chairs and gives the thumbs-up sign a lot of the time. Just to show that he is cool enough to be perfectly alright in any situation.

These are the seven things that every wanna-be pimp has to have to exist in the world.

After our extensive research, we have found that Tyler is the next pimp in training and we think that he has an excellent master in Patrick.

The two of them can be each other's wingman and get all the bitches they want.

Can you imagine that night out? We'd take one for the team.

Tyler Seguin is becoming the new wanna-be pimp of the NHL and could over-throw Patrick Kane as the ultimate wanna-be womanizer.

Only time will tell.

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