Minggu, 26 Februari 2012

The Rick Nash Saga: Where You Going, Boy?

(WARNING: gratuitous use of caps lock)

Tomorrow we will be having our annual Trade Deadline (Heaven Help Us) LiveBlog (aka: Crying Openly Or Flailing About In Front Of Friends, Family & The TSN Panelists).

It should be amazing.

Or awful. It all depends on what happens and to whom and to where.

Everyone knows that Noodles will be inconsolable if/when Patrick Kane gets traded.

We don't know why she likes him so much. It's borderline weird.

Curtis will have to be put in 24-hour constant watch if Sam Gagner goes anywhere.

It's been too long that she's been a fan of him in Edmonton.

But trades happen and life goes on.

Every single year we have that one player who gets all of the attention. It's one player that every reporter and blogger and panelist talks about and gives their opinion on where they will end up. It's like an obsession that doesn't end until that player is finally, finally moved and/or re-signed.

This year it's Rick Nash.

And we've decided to give our opinion on the matter. BECAUSE YOU ALL CARE WHAT WE THINK. Or something like that.


Mr. Nash.

The man with the perma-beard and doughboy body.

How he hasn't been traded to another team yet still baffles us. Nothing against the Blue Jackets but making the playoffs once and then getting the short straw (Detroit Red Wings) in the first round just won't cut it.

Rick wants a Cup and he's getting closer to 'too old' as the seasons pass.

We're hearing tons of rumors since it's been made known that he was being shopped and made a list of the teams he would go to.

So without further ado...RUMOR HAS IT: a tale of woe from Rick Nash


Seriously, Philadelphia. Do you have to be that kid in the schoolyard who takes everyone's jump ropes, chalk and toy blocks not because they want it but because they don't want anyone else to have it? Do you?



And the Rangers.



Is Rick Nash going to push you into first place in the East? Oh wait, you're already there.

Stop being greedy, NYR. You have Gaborik, Callahan and BRichards was added over the summer. How is that even fair? That's like having Malkin and Crosby on the same team with Fleury as the goaltender.

Oh, wait.

Now there are rumors that the Predators want in on it. And we can only imagine who they would have to give up for him.

Probably like Colin Wilson, Gabriel Bourque, Jonathan Blum and a first-round pick for Rick Nash.

We can only hope that Poile's response goes something like this:

"Uh, Imma veto dat bullshit. No thank you, sirs. Imma have to stay with the kiddies because at least they have the option of getting better someday. Nash is probably past his prime now and uselessssssssss."

Worry about Ryan Suter, biotch.


Not like it makes any difference what any team does because the Red Wings exist. Everyone knows that the Detroit Red Wings are gonna swoop in and snatch Nash up because they are always quiet about this kind of stuff and then BOOM! they are the ones that get the guy.

They've mastered the art of sneak attacks during trade deadline day and free agency. No one expects it and when it happens you are kind of stunned.

Or the Canucks.

Yeah, because they REALLLLLLLLY need a scoring winger....uh, huh.

But it would be interesting to see him with the Sedins. Although we have a vague idea that it would be ridiculoussssssssssssssss. And of course, totally unfair.

And every Penguins fanboy wants Nash on the team.

Makes us mad because it's like they don't understand who the Penguins would have to give up to land a player like Nash.

LIKE EVERYONE. And James Neal wouldn't have been signed. Get yo heads outta yo buttholes, brotato chips.

It would be sweet to have Rick Nash play on a line with Sidney Crosby. Whenever that rat bastard decides that he's symptom free and can come back.

(EDIT: we love him but we miss him and it causes such rage in us.)

Even the Maple Leafs are considering making a deal.

What we've learned is that YOU CAN NEVER TRUST BRIAN BURKE.


He is a wily and slippery man who says what he wants to get what he wants. And that's why we love him. He's America.

If he says that he wants Rick Nash and is willing to deal then DON'T DO IT, HE'S TRYING TO LULL YOU INTO SUBMISSION.

And if he says that he wants nothing to do with Rich Nash then HE'S ALREADY MADE THE DEAL and Luke Schenn is wearing the cannon on his chest in Columbus before you even have a chance to say, "WTF?"


Are there other teams lusting after Rick Nash's doughy body and bland personality? YES! Are they important? NO!

Where do you think that he's going? If he is.

Only tomorrow will tell. Remember that we will be having a liveblog tomorrow so come on by and join us.

Noodles is on the blog. And Curtis is handling the Twitter. It's going to be a coffee-fueled, insane hockey-fest at the lair.

(aka: fun, duh bitches)

See yous tomorrow!

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