Behind The Scenes: Team Lidstrom Draft Day

Hallå!

For all of you lesser life forms, that is ‘Hello’ in Swedish.

I am Nick Lidstrom, which you should have known already. I am the best defenseman in the world, as you should already know as well.

And I am infallible, yes, just like the Pope.

I can do no wrong and what I pick is perfect.

As you know, I am The Perfect Human. (Yes, that has been trademarked.)

So, first things first: We have to go through all of the criteria for me picking who will be on Team Sweden or as I like to call it Team AbbaSwedishMeatballIKEAPerfectness.

But that’s a personal preference.

I shall call this list DEATH CON PHASE FIVE POINT PLAN or how Team AbbaSwedishMeatballIKEAPerfectness will win it all.

It’s quite simple, really.

I gave Eric Staal (the Fwede that he is) a what I like to call ‘alternate’ version of the players that I picked for the first round.

He will never know the truth until I begin my selection process.



PHASE ONE: Retire the Alternate Captains the “League” gave me and get my own Alternate Captains, men that I deem important and amazing enough to be seen next to me.


Because those asshats gave me Patrick Kane and Martin St. Louis. I’m sorry, but who? I won 62 Stanley Cups and 44 Norris Trophies.

Who is Patrick Kane?

He looks like a twelve-year-old girl who thinks she’s hot just because she got her braces removed.

And Martin St. Louis? Sorry, I lost him in the crowd of adult-sized people.

Doesn’t impress me.

Without further ado, here are my picks for Alternate Captains.

Alternate Captain #1 is Ingvar Kamprad


You think he isn’t relevant? Well, where would Swedes be without IKEA. Like seriously, there would be no Swedish country or beautiful blonde women or furniture that befuddles Canadians who try to build it.


Ingvar, do you have anything to say?


Well, yes, I do Mr. Lidstrom-

Okay, that was enough. Silent but pretty, that’s the Swedish way.


Alternate Captain #2 is Peter Forsberg.


You think he isn’t relevant either? You’re wrong.

So what if both of his ankles are constructed from titanium alloy that was found on Mars? So what if he could crumble apart at any moment if there’s a stiff breeze?

He’s still Swedish and I may have a tiny crush on him. I mean, come on, LOOK AT THOSE EYES!!!

Sooooo dreamy.

Hmm, now that that is all settled and put away we shall move to PHASE TWO.



PHASE TWO: Select only the most talented, sparkling and beautiful All Stars ever assembled in the World

I know you’re all wondering if I am going to go all Swedes all the Time.

Heck yes.

Why not? We’re amazingly blonde and pretty.


Forwards:

#1 – Pavel Datsyuk


What?

What’s that, Patrick Kane?


Uh, he’s definitely not Swedish. He’s a Russian.

He’s NOT Swedish? Bullshit. I don’t believe you, he plays for the most Swedish team in the league and you’re telling me that he’s what? Russian? Shut up.

Why are you still here? Didn’t I banish you from here?


You did but Errc Staal picked me for his team, I think.

Oh, okay. Still, you’re a lying liar who lies his face off.


#2 – Dolph Lundgren


Because I am in love with his acting chops. The man knows how to squeeze a tear from my robotic body.

That takes talent.

Jean Claude Van Damme has shit on Dolph. There is no comparison.

Unf, what a man.


#3 – Patrick Sharp

Bitch is Swedish.

Look at that hair.

Swedish.

Plus, he’s arrogant and perfectly coiffed.

Swedish.


Defense

#1 – Katy Perry


With the glitter and fireworks and beautiful eyes, she may as well be Swedish.

Yes, she will be wearing a wig for the festivities.

Doesn’t she look better as a blue? I think so.

There is no way that she would ever, ever, ever let anyone past her boobs that we didn’t want her to.


#2 – Swedish Fish


A Swedish Fish plays better defense than most of the players in the league.

Uh uh, I should know cause I’m Nick Lidstrom and I know what a good defenseman is.

Red, gooey Cherry-flavored Swedish Fish will be patrolling the blueline.

HANDS OFF, MIKE GREEN! I SEE YOU TRYING TO SWIPE MY DEFENSEMEN! STOP PUTTING THEM IN YOUR MOUTH, FATTY!


Goaltender

Henrik Lundqvist

I know about the deal he made with the Staal boys. Doesn’t matter to me, he’s a workhorse and he can totally work both nets in an All Star Game.

Anything goes in an All Star Game.

Besides, anything Swedish is mine. YOU HEAR ME?! MINE!!!



PHASE THREE: Break out the super secret, secret weapons…


JOHNNY WEIR!

Yes, we said it ladies and gentlemen, the Johnny Weir will be in the hizouse and skating circles around you hoes and dazzling us with his amazing ability to elude even the greatest hitters in the game.

And his amazing outfits.

And his makeup.

He’s Swedish and I need him for the team. I have to have him. HE’S MINE!

Well, he’s not really Swedish but he’s fabulous so he has to be. There’s no other explanation for why he’s so sparkly.

The other super secret, secret weapon is…

EDWARD CULLEN!

He’s sparkly!

His hair is perfectly coiffed.

He has spectacular cheekbones.

Has to be Swedish. HE’S MINE! ALL MINE!



PHASE FOUR: Lay down the groundwork for the grand entrance of TEAM ABBASWEDISHMEATBALLIKEAPERFECTNESS

We are going to dance out of the runway with glitter and fireworks shooting from Katy Perry’s boobs and fire coming out of our skates (courtesy of Johnny Weir).


And by dance, I mean dance. We are doing choreographed moves in time with ABBA’s Super Trouper.

I know, it’s an amazing song and dance routine.

We are going to do a synchronized routine as children in sequins and bejeweled hockey sticks skate in circles around us.


In the center of this dazzling display, I will be seated on a blue and yellow cushion looking absolutely serene. I will wave to the crowd as they bow to my Swedish amazingness.

Then the gorgeous team I have assembled will get into alphabetical order for the line-up and wait stoically for their names to be called and they have to smile at the cameras.



PHASE FIVE: Dazzle Team Thunder Bay with the Flying V formation and then shatter their worlds…SHATTER THEIR WORLDS!


Johnny Weir, Katy Perry and I will begin by taking the puck behind the net and waiting for Pavel Datsyuk and Patrick Sharp to flank us on the sides.




And Swedish Fish will take the point, leading us into the first play of the game.


The puck will pass between all of us, each one touching it once, twice but no more than that.


And…

Fuck it, let’s get the goaltender in on this shizz.

Henrik Lundqvist comes straight outta Sweden and he somehow, somehow has the puck on his goalie stick and SHOCKS us all…

Well, not me. I knew he was there all along.

And he scores the winning goal.

Because we’re Swedish.



There you have it, Team AbbaSwedishMeatballIKEAPerfectness and The Death Con Phase Five Point Plan and how we will win it all.


Because we have Swedish people.

And two, not just one, secret weapons.

Plus, we also have blondes.

And blondes always win.

Team Buddycore Vs Team Bromance: Alternate All Star Game

This comes to you via the Mind of Mouthguard. This is what would have happened had Ovechkin and Crosby been picked as captains for the All Star Game.

We are thankful that they were not picked now...

-&-

2011 ALL-STAR GAME TEAM DRAFT:
TEAM BUDDYCORE ("I love you, man...") v TEAM BROMANCE ("я люблю Вас, парня...")

'Tis the season to love you some hockey. HBO 24/7. World Juniors. The Winter Classic. The Heritage Classic. National Hockey Weeks coming up in both Canada and the States. And, of course... The All-Star Game. Back in the old school NHL days, your marquis special occasion event was the All-Star Game so it was a huge fricking deal. Believe it or not, the Olympics weren't even taken especially seriously by North American hockey fans until Lake Placid's Miracle on Ice happened. The All-Star Game still is a big deal, but as we know it's been retooled this time around for our viewing pleasure by that posse of portly, smug, hungover old codgers who drag their artificial hips around the NHL HQ and try to stay awake at Corporate Governance Meetings. In-between rounds of mini-putt and John Labatt Classic, they decided it would be cool for kingpin captains to pick their own teammates instead of deferring to the usual East-West conference scenarios. Indeed! What a fun way to make things "interesting"...

With this in mind, here's a sample of the good, bad and hot mess that will likely occur when the Penguins' Sidney Crosby and the Capitals' Alex Ovechkin pick their respective teams. You knew it had to happen. But try to envision what you would do if you were in their skates? How would you juggle the egos, tantrums and ensuing shitstorms when confronted with the inevitable fact that YOU + YOUR FRIENDS = A TEAM +/- DISASTERTOWN. EVERYBODY's gonna be happy and NOBODY's gonna be happy. Awesome!!!


First, to preface... For all of their well-publicized personal, professional and cultural "differences", it might surprise you to learn that these two Captains really have a lot more in common than you ever imagined. For example, they will sometimes cross paths with members of the same "Frankenfan" inner circle:

Observe:

And Like So:

They will sometimes hobnob with celebutards, such as

The Geico Caveman:

And Kid Rock And Kid Rock's Dad:

While it's no secret that Ovie loves to dart extinction-threatened tigers with his close friend, Russian uber-kahuna Vladimir Putin


in bathing trunks

Sid looks out for and rescues packs of the endangered, nocturnal Skunkcrested Cougar Yak


on his Sea-Doo, with a life-preserver clad Stanley Cup riding shotgun



In Moscow, Ovie grew up wishing he could be just like that batshit Olaf from Clerks, who emigrated to New Jersey and learned how to sing "Berserker":


And watching that batshit Vladimir Putin lipsync Fats Domino's "Blueberry Hill" to an esteemed audience of random has-beens, like Goldie Hawn, Mickey Rourke and Gerard Depardieu:

"I found my twee-ul/on Blueberry Cchh-ee-ul..."

And figuring out how to shave those hard-to-reach tramp-stamped parts of his back:


In Cole Harbour, Sid grew up wishing he could be just like that batshit The Unknown Comic from Dartmouth, who was a regular on the Gong Show and made even Steve Martin laugh back in the day:

"I am a professional! Here come the jokes!"

And wondering what was in Mr. Dressup's tickle trunk:


And listening to that batshit Ashley MacIsaac from Cape Breton (Jack White's cousin!), who played the fiddle on an unspeakable tune his dad hated called "The Devil In the Kitchen":


Love them or loathe them, you can be sure that both men take their jobs and this particular team selection assignment very seriously. In fact, right this second they are furiously deliberating over who to draft. See?




TEAM BUDDYCORE





"WHOO HOO, MARTINELLI'S!"


CAPTAIN/CENTAH: SIDNEY CROSBY

Please, You Shouldn't Have

HOW COME:


I Fart In Your General Direction. Duh.

He gets pedicures!


And gets himself rolfed like all the time!


Life is pretty fucking good right now...


With or without a mustache! Here are more pics of Sid being happy





OVERWHELMING DENOMINATORS FOR TEAM SELECTIONS: WORLD JUNIORS CRED. SHATTUCK ST. MARY'S CRED. THE MEMORIAL CUP. THE OLYMPICS. BEING FROM QUEBEC, THE MARITIMES, MICHIGAN OR MINNESOTA, PREFERABLY WITH SOME IRISH HERITAGE TOSSED IN. HAVING A GIRLFRIEND THAT'S A COOKIE-CUTTER FEMBOT. BEING FROM CANADA. BEING COOL. THE FACT THAT YOU'VE SEEN THE LUCKY "SIDNEY" CUP:



WINGIE DINGIE 1: PATRICE BERGERON


HOW COME: Seriously? It all goes back to World Juniors. Me and Patrice go WAY BACK. We were linemates. Partners in crime. Plus he discovered my missing glove/stick in his gear bag after the Olympics. I love you, man! Eff'n right on my team, dude. Totally.



WINGIE DINGIE 2: JAROME IGINLA


HOW COME: Seriously? It all goes back to the Olympics. Me and Iggy go WAY BACK. We were linemates. Partners in crime. Plus he fed me what became the golden goal in Vancouver. I love you, man! And check out how much he looked like Alfalfa when he was little! Eff'n right on my team, dude. Totally.



DEE-DEE 1: JACK JOHNSON


HOW COME: Seriously? It all goes back to Shattuck St. Mary's. Me and Jack go WAY BACK. We were housemates. Partners in crime. Plus his Mom made me chocolate chip cookies. I love you, man! And check out how we rocked our SSM baseball outfits and tore up our 2005 Entry Draft hotel room! Eff'n right on my team, dude. Totally.





DEE-DEE 2: SHEA WEBER


HOW COME: Seriously? It all goes back to the Memorial Cup. Me and Shea go WAY BACK. We were teammates during the Olympics. Played ping-pong and everthing. Partners in crime. I love you, man! And check out how we kissed and made up after the Memorial Cup final, and how much he looks like the saxophone player in the Ike & Tina Revue or he just ran away from Mannix! Eff'n right on my team, dude. Totally.




GOALAY: MARC-ANDRE FLEURY



HOW COME: Seriously? It all goes back to World Juniors. Me and Flower go WAY BACK. We are currently teammates and we played together during World Juniors and the Olympics. Partners in crime. I love you, man! And check out how we keep it real during practice, and how he pirouetted like a ballerina when Flyers fans asked him! He always takes the window seat. Eff'n right on my team, dude. Totally.





ALTERNATE/CHEERLEADER 1: KRIS LETANG


HOW COME: Seriously? Me and Letang go WAY BACK. We've been teammates forever. Partners in crime. I love you, man! He technically plays D but he's my wingman all the way these days. And check out our not-so-secret handshake after we won the Cup and how sick our stinkeye is when we want it to be! Eff'n right on my team, dude. Totally.
)



ALTERNATE/CHEERLEADER 2: MAX TALBOT


HOW COME: Seriously? It all goes back to World Juniors. Me and Max go WAY BACK. We are currently teammates and we played together during World Juniors. And we are often linemates in bars and/or restaurantish establishments. Partners in crime. I love you, man! And check out him and Flower impersonating meerkats! Eff'n right on my team, dude. Totally.

NEVERRR PICKING YOU, DUDE: Mike Richards. Corey Perry (way to ruin a great picture!)

Brandon Dubinsignificant. Mark Recchi. Ryan Getzlaf (get outta that picture!).

There you have it. Don't like Captain Buddycore's official ASG selections? Then you can suck it.




TEAM BROMANCE

"Hey, Giorgy!"

CAPTAIN/WINGIE DINGIE 1: ALEX OVECHKIN


Please, You Shouldn't Have.

HOW COME:


I Fart In Your General Direction. Duh.

He eats everything from caviar in designer duds (as per above) to pizza in cutoffs, whenever he wants!


He's a sharply-shirtless man, who shoots to score on AND off the ice!


Just like Viv from Spinal Tap says, "Have a good time, all the time!" Like playing "Gong" on a Russian game show:

Or doing a jiggy dance half-naked, with an equally half-naked jiggy dance partner


OVERWHELMING DENOMINATORS FOR TEAM SELECTIONS: WORLD JUNIORS CRED. MOSCOW DYNAMO CRED. THE OLYMPICS. BEING FROM MOSCOW OR ST. PETERSBURG, BUT NOT BEING FROM SIBERIA OR ANY OF THOSE UNFORTUNATE FORMER SOVIET REPUBLICS ENDING IN "STAN." OWNING AT LEAST 3 HUMMERS. HAVING A GIRLFRIEND WHO IS UNDER 20, IS A MODEL, HAS MULTIPLE LABIA PIERCINGS AND BOUGHT HERSELF A SHINY NEW VINYL VULVA FOR RUSSIAN EASTER. BEING COOL.


CENTAH: NIKLAS BACKSTROM


HOW COME: Seriously? Nikki is my teammate. Partners in crime. He makes me look really good out there - makes a lot of passes and allows girls who think he's hot to make passes at me, also. It is as if he is my little sister. I have tremendous respect for his hair. He's not Russian but he wants to be! Я люблю Вас! Вы - член моей армии, друга. Полностью.



WINGIE DINGIE 2: ALEX SEMIN


HOW COME: Seriously? Al is my teammate and we played together for Mommy Russia in the Olympics. Partners in crime. He takes a ton of penalties for me, no questions asked. Plus you gotta love a guy who fights like a chimp and then laughs at it later on while I mock him in front of many. Я люблю Вас! Вы - член моей армии, друга. Полностью.




DEE-DEE 1: MIKE GREEN


HOW COME: Seriously? Mike is my teammate. Partners in crime. He's like a big burly monster truck with lots of tattoos in front of our net.

He loves to get the party started by picking up 3-4 girls minimum and offering to buy them all the tattoos they want as long as they pay for their own plastic surgery: "That's a fair trade, right?" Ha! Team Canada did not select him for the Olympics. The result? He's not Russian but he wants to be! Я люблю Вас! Вы - член моей армии, друга. Полностью.



DEE-DEE 2: CHRIS PRONGER


HOW COME: Seriously? Chris should be my teammate. Partners in crime. He's a notorious badass with a natural tooth gap that makes my nipples hard. He is like a father to me. Showed us how to change the lyrics to "Yummy Yummy Yummy" from "Yummy yummy yummy/I got love in my tummy" to "Yummy yummy yummy/I got ho's in my hummy..." Such a clever man! He's not Russian but he wants to be! Я люблю Вас! Вы - член моей армии, друга. Полностью.



GOALAY: SEMYON VARLAMOV


HOW COME: Seriously? Semi is my teammate and we played together for Mommy Russia in the Olympics. Partners in crime. OMG goalies are so kinky. Sometimes he does the splits in the aisle on the team bus just to show off. On bartops, also. Girls think he's sexy because he has manorexia. Before games, he consumes only beets, maraschino cherries (in a jar) and raw mini kielbasa wieners! Naked, he looks like a girl but who cares, right? Я люблю Вас! Вы - член моей армии, друга. Полностью.



ALTERNATE/CHEERLEADER 1: ILYA KOVALCHUK


HOW COME: Seriously? Ilya and me played together for Mommy Russia in the Olympics. Partners in crime. I wish he was my teammate because he makes more money than me, has almost as many Hummers as me and my sources tell me people think he's a much bigger asshole than me. We're going tanning bed shopping for the holidays - can hardly wait! Я люблю Вас! Вы - член моей армии, друга. Полностью.



ALTERNATE/CHEERLEADER 2: SEAN AVERY


HOW COME: Seriously? Sean should be my teammate. Partners in crime. I admire his thug-like demeanor at work, his business acumen, his chic horn-rimmed glasses and the fact that he doesn't give a shit what anybody thinks of him as long as they are talking about him. Sean is teaching me Spanish, if you can believe it! "Mi sloppy secondes es su sloppy secondes, amigo!" He's not Russian but he wants to be! Я люблю Вас! Вы - член моей армии, друга. Полностью.



NEVERRR PICKING YOU, COMRADE: ??? Everybody's invited to the party! Just not to play!

There you have it. Don't like Captain Bromance's official ASG selections? Well, Вы должны повиноваться, слабак!

"Don't give them money. Or matches!"



Two completely biased teams. Doomed as doomed can be. Like Ed Grimley used to say. What would YOU do? What would Gary Roberts do? Hmmmm.