For all of you lesser life forms, that is ‘Hello’ in Swedish.
I am Nick Lidstrom, which you should have known already. I am the best defenseman in the world, as you should already know as well.
And I am infallible, yes, just like the Pope.
I can do no wrong and what I pick is perfect.
As you know, I am The Perfect Human. (Yes, that has been trademarked.)
So, first things first: We have to go through all of the criteria for me picking who will be on Team Sweden or as I like to call it Team AbbaSwedishMeatballIKEAPerfectness.
But that’s a personal preference.
I shall call this list DEATH CON PHASE FIVE POINT PLAN or how Team AbbaSwedishMeatballIKEAPerfectness will win it all.
It’s quite simple, really.
I gave Eric Staal (the Fwede that he is) a what I like to call ‘alternate’ version of the players that I picked for the first round.
He will never know the truth until I begin my selection process.
PHASE ONE: Retire the Alternate Captains the “League” gave me and get my own Alternate Captains, men that I deem important and amazing enough to be seen next to me.
Because those asshats gave me Patrick Kane and Martin St. Louis. I’m sorry, but who? I won 62 Stanley Cups and 44 Norris Trophies.
Who is Patrick Kane?
He looks like a twelve-year-old girl who thinks she’s hot just because she got her braces removed.
And Martin St. Louis? Sorry, I lost him in the crowd of adult-sized people.
Doesn’t impress me.
Without further ado, here are my picks for Alternate Captains.
Alternate Captain #1 is Ingvar Kamprad
You think he isn’t relevant? Well, where would Swedes be without IKEA. Like seriously, there would be no Swedish country or beautiful blonde women or furniture that befuddles Canadians who try to build it.
Ingvar, do you have anything to say?
Well, yes, I do Mr. Lidstrom-
Okay, that was enough. Silent but pretty, that’s the Swedish way.
Alternate Captain #2 is Peter Forsberg.
You think he isn’t relevant either? You’re wrong.
So what if both of his ankles are constructed from titanium alloy that was found on Mars? So what if he could crumble apart at any moment if there’s a stiff breeze?
He’s still Swedish and I may have a tiny crush on him. I mean, come on, LOOK AT THOSE EYES!!!
Hmm, now that that is all settled and put away we shall move to PHASE TWO.
PHASE TWO: Select only the most talented, sparkling and beautiful All Stars ever assembled in the World
I know you’re all wondering if I am going to go all Swedes all the Time.
Why not? We’re amazingly blonde and pretty.
#1 – Pavel Datsyuk
What’s that, Patrick Kane?
Uh, he’s definitely not Swedish. He’s a Russian.
He’s NOT Swedish? Bullshit. I don’t believe you, he plays for the most Swedish team in the league and you’re telling me that he’s what? Russian? Shut up.
Why are you still here? Didn’t I banish you from here?
You did but Errc Staal picked me for his team, I think.
Oh, okay. Still, you’re a lying liar who lies his face off.
#2 – Dolph Lundgren
Because I am in love with his acting chops. The man knows how to squeeze a tear from my robotic body.
That takes talent.
Jean Claude Van Damme has shit on Dolph. There is no comparison.
Unf, what a man.
#3 – Patrick Sharp
Bitch is Swedish.
Look at that hair.
Plus, he’s arrogant and perfectly coiffed.
#1 – Katy Perry
With the glitter and fireworks and beautiful eyes, she may as well be Swedish.
Yes, she will be wearing a wig for the festivities.
Doesn’t she look better as a blue? I think so.
There is no way that she would ever, ever, ever let anyone past her boobs that we didn’t want her to.
#2 – Swedish Fish
A Swedish Fish plays better defense than most of the players in the league.
Uh uh, I should know cause I’m Nick Lidstrom and I know what a good defenseman is.
Red, gooey Cherry-flavored Swedish Fish will be patrolling the blueline.
HANDS OFF, MIKE GREEN! I SEE YOU TRYING TO SWIPE MY DEFENSEMEN! STOP PUTTING THEM IN YOUR MOUTH, FATTY!
I know about the deal he made with the Staal boys. Doesn’t matter to me, he’s a workhorse and he can totally work both nets in an All Star Game.
Anything goes in an All Star Game.
Besides, anything Swedish is mine. YOU HEAR ME?! MINE!!!
PHASE THREE: Break out the super secret, secret weapons…
Yes, we said it ladies and gentlemen, the Johnny Weir will be in the hizouse and skating circles around you hoes and dazzling us with his amazing ability to elude even the greatest hitters in the game.
And his amazing outfits.
And his makeup.
He’s Swedish and I need him for the team. I have to have him. HE’S MINE!
Well, he’s not really Swedish but he’s fabulous so he has to be. There’s no other explanation for why he’s so sparkly.
The other super secret, secret weapon is…
His hair is perfectly coiffed.
He has spectacular cheekbones.
Has to be Swedish. HE’S MINE! ALL MINE!
PHASE FOUR: Lay down the groundwork for the grand entrance of TEAM ABBASWEDISHMEATBALLIKEAPERFECTNESS
We are going to dance out of the runway with glitter and fireworks shooting from Katy Perry’s boobs and fire coming out of our skates (courtesy of Johnny Weir).
And by dance, I mean dance. We are doing choreographed moves in time with ABBA’s Super Trouper.
I know, it’s an amazing song and dance routine.
We are going to do a synchronized routine as children in sequins and bejeweled hockey sticks skate in circles around us.
In the center of this dazzling display, I will be seated on a blue and yellow cushion looking absolutely serene. I will wave to the crowd as they bow to my Swedish amazingness.
Then the gorgeous team I have assembled will get into alphabetical order for the line-up and wait stoically for their names to be called and they have to smile at the cameras.
PHASE FIVE: Dazzle Team Thunder Bay with the Flying V formation and then shatter their worlds…SHATTER THEIR WORLDS!
Johnny Weir, Katy Perry and I will begin by taking the puck behind the net and waiting for Pavel Datsyuk and Patrick Sharp to flank us on the sides.
And Swedish Fish will take the point, leading us into the first play of the game.
The puck will pass between all of us, each one touching it once, twice but no more than that.
Fuck it, let’s get the goaltender in on this shizz.
Henrik Lundqvist comes straight outta Sweden and he somehow, somehow has the puck on his goalie stick and SHOCKS us all…
Well, not me. I knew he was there all along.
And he scores the winning goal.
Because we’re Swedish.
There you have it, Team AbbaSwedishMeatballIKEAPerfectness and The Death Con Phase Five Point Plan and how we will win it all.
Because we have Swedish people.
And two, not just one, secret weapons.
Plus, we also have blondes.
And blondes always win.