We are thankful that they were not picked now...
2011 ALL-STAR GAME TEAM DRAFT:
TEAM BUDDYCORE ("I love you, man...") v TEAM BROMANCE ("я люблю Вас, парня...")
'Tis the season to love you some hockey. HBO 24/7. World Juniors. The Winter Classic. The Heritage Classic. National Hockey Weeks coming up in both Canada and the States. And, of course... The All-Star Game. Back in the old school NHL days, your marquis special occasion event was the All-Star Game so it was a huge fricking deal. Believe it or not, the Olympics weren't even taken especially seriously by North American hockey fans until Lake Placid's Miracle on Ice happened. The All-Star Game still is a big deal, but as we know it's been retooled this time around for our viewing pleasure by that posse of portly, smug, hungover old codgers who drag their artificial hips around the NHL HQ and try to stay awake at Corporate Governance Meetings. In-between rounds of mini-putt and John Labatt Classic, they decided it would be cool for kingpin captains to pick their own teammates instead of deferring to the usual East-West conference scenarios. Indeed! What a fun way to make things "interesting"...
With this in mind, here's a sample of the good, bad and hot mess that will likely occur when the Penguins' Sidney Crosby and the Capitals' Alex Ovechkin pick their respective teams. You knew it had to happen. But try to envision what you would do if you were in their skates? How would you juggle the egos, tantrums and ensuing shitstorms when confronted with the inevitable fact that YOU + YOUR FRIENDS = A TEAM +/- DISASTERTOWN. EVERYBODY's gonna be happy and NOBODY's gonna be happy. Awesome!!!
First, to preface... For all of their well-publicized personal, professional and cultural "differences", it might surprise you to learn that these two Captains really have a lot more in common than you ever imagined. For example, they will sometimes cross paths with members of the same "Frankenfan" inner circle:
And Like So:
They will sometimes hobnob with celebutards, such as
The Geico Caveman:
And Kid Rock And Kid Rock's Dad:
While it's no secret that Ovie loves to dart extinction-threatened tigers with his close friend, Russian uber-kahuna Vladimir Putin
in bathing trunks
Sid looks out for and rescues packs of the endangered, nocturnal Skunkcrested Cougar Yak
on his Sea-Doo, with a life-preserver clad Stanley Cup riding shotgun
In Moscow, Ovie grew up wishing he could be just like that batshit Olaf from Clerks, who emigrated to New Jersey and learned how to sing "Berserker":
And watching that batshit Vladimir Putin lipsync Fats Domino's "Blueberry Hill" to an esteemed audience of random has-beens, like Goldie Hawn, Mickey Rourke and Gerard Depardieu:
"I found my twee-ul/on Blueberry Cchh-ee-ul..."
And figuring out how to shave those hard-to-reach tramp-stamped parts of his back:
In Cole Harbour, Sid grew up wishing he could be just like that batshit The Unknown Comic from Dartmouth, who was a regular on the Gong Show and made even Steve Martin laugh back in the day:
"I am a professional! Here come the jokes!"
And wondering what was in Mr. Dressup's tickle trunk:
And listening to that batshit Ashley MacIsaac from Cape Breton (Jack White's cousin!), who played the fiddle on an unspeakable tune his dad hated called "The Devil In the Kitchen":
Love them or loathe them, you can be sure that both men take their jobs and this particular team selection assignment very seriously. In fact, right this second they are furiously deliberating over who to draft. See?
"WHOO HOO, MARTINELLI'S!"
CAPTAIN/CENTAH: SIDNEY CROSBY
Please, You Shouldn't Have
I Fart In Your General Direction. Duh.
He gets pedicures!
And gets himself rolfed like all the time!
Life is pretty fucking good right now...
With or without a mustache! Here are more pics of Sid being happy
OVERWHELMING DENOMINATORS FOR TEAM SELECTIONS: WORLD JUNIORS CRED. SHATTUCK ST. MARY'S CRED. THE MEMORIAL CUP. THE OLYMPICS. BEING FROM QUEBEC, THE MARITIMES, MICHIGAN OR MINNESOTA, PREFERABLY WITH SOME IRISH HERITAGE TOSSED IN. HAVING A GIRLFRIEND THAT'S A COOKIE-CUTTER FEMBOT. BEING FROM CANADA. BEING COOL. THE FACT THAT YOU'VE SEEN THE LUCKY "SIDNEY" CUP:
WINGIE DINGIE 1: PATRICE BERGERON
HOW COME: Seriously? It all goes back to World Juniors. Me and Patrice go WAY BACK. We were linemates. Partners in crime. Plus he discovered my missing glove/stick in his gear bag after the Olympics. I love you, man! Eff'n right on my team, dude. Totally.
WINGIE DINGIE 2: JAROME IGINLA
HOW COME: Seriously? It all goes back to the Olympics. Me and Iggy go WAY BACK. We were linemates. Partners in crime. Plus he fed me what became the golden goal in Vancouver. I love you, man! And check out how much he looked like Alfalfa when he was little! Eff'n right on my team, dude. Totally.
DEE-DEE 1: JACK JOHNSON
HOW COME: Seriously? It all goes back to Shattuck St. Mary's. Me and Jack go WAY BACK. We were housemates. Partners in crime. Plus his Mom made me chocolate chip cookies. I love you, man! And check out how we rocked our SSM baseball outfits and tore up our 2005 Entry Draft hotel room! Eff'n right on my team, dude. Totally.
DEE-DEE 2: SHEA WEBER
HOW COME: Seriously? It all goes back to the Memorial Cup. Me and Shea go WAY BACK. We were teammates during the Olympics. Played ping-pong and everthing. Partners in crime. I love you, man! And check out how we kissed and made up after the Memorial Cup final, and how much he looks like the saxophone player in the Ike & Tina Revue or he just ran away from Mannix! Eff'n right on my team, dude. Totally.
GOALAY: MARC-ANDRE FLEURY
HOW COME: Seriously? It all goes back to World Juniors. Me and Flower go WAY BACK. We are currently teammates and we played together during World Juniors and the Olympics. Partners in crime. I love you, man! And check out how we keep it real during practice, and how he pirouetted like a ballerina when Flyers fans asked him! He always takes the window seat. Eff'n right on my team, dude. Totally.
ALTERNATE/CHEERLEADER 1: KRIS LETANG
HOW COME: Seriously? Me and Letang go WAY BACK. We've been teammates forever. Partners in crime. I love you, man! He technically plays D but he's my wingman all the way these days. And check out our not-so-secret handshake after we won the Cup and how sick our stinkeye is when we want it to be! Eff'n right on my team, dude. Totally.
ALTERNATE/CHEERLEADER 2: MAX TALBOT
HOW COME: Seriously? It all goes back to World Juniors. Me and Max go WAY BACK. We are currently teammates and we played together during World Juniors. And we are often linemates in bars and/or restaurantish establishments. Partners in crime. I love you, man! And check out him and Flower impersonating meerkats! Eff'n right on my team, dude. Totally.
Brandon Dubinsignificant. Mark Recchi. Ryan Getzlaf (get outta that picture!).
There you have it. Don't like Captain Buddycore's official ASG selections? Then you can suck it.
CAPTAIN/WINGIE DINGIE 1: ALEX OVECHKIN
Please, You Shouldn't Have.
I Fart In Your General Direction. Duh.
He eats everything from caviar in designer duds (as per above) to pizza in cutoffs, whenever he wants!
He's a sharply-shirtless man, who shoots to score on AND off the ice!
Just like Viv from Spinal Tap says, "Have a good time, all the time!" Like playing "Gong" on a Russian game show:
Or doing a jiggy dance half-naked, with an equally half-naked jiggy dance partner
OVERWHELMING DENOMINATORS FOR TEAM SELECTIONS: WORLD JUNIORS CRED. MOSCOW DYNAMO CRED. THE OLYMPICS. BEING FROM MOSCOW OR ST. PETERSBURG, BUT NOT BEING FROM SIBERIA OR ANY OF THOSE UNFORTUNATE FORMER SOVIET REPUBLICS ENDING IN "STAN." OWNING AT LEAST 3 HUMMERS. HAVING A GIRLFRIEND WHO IS UNDER 20, IS A MODEL, HAS MULTIPLE LABIA PIERCINGS AND BOUGHT HERSELF A SHINY NEW VINYL VULVA FOR RUSSIAN EASTER. BEING COOL.
CENTAH: NIKLAS BACKSTROM
HOW COME: Seriously? Nikki is my teammate. Partners in crime. He makes me look really good out there - makes a lot of passes and allows girls who think he's hot to make passes at me, also. It is as if he is my little sister. I have tremendous respect for his hair. He's not Russian but he wants to be! Я люблю Вас! Вы - член моей армии, друга. Полностью.
WINGIE DINGIE 2: ALEX SEMIN
HOW COME: Seriously? Al is my teammate and we played together for Mommy Russia in the Olympics. Partners in crime. He takes a ton of penalties for me, no questions asked. Plus you gotta love a guy who fights like a chimp and then laughs at it later on while I mock him in front of many. Я люблю Вас! Вы - член моей армии, друга. Полностью.
DEE-DEE 1: MIKE GREEN
HOW COME: Seriously? Mike is my teammate. Partners in crime. He's like a big burly monster truck with lots of tattoos in front of our net.
He loves to get the party started by picking up 3-4 girls minimum and offering to buy them all the tattoos they want as long as they pay for their own plastic surgery: "That's a fair trade, right?" Ha! Team Canada did not select him for the Olympics. The result? He's not Russian but he wants to be! Я люблю Вас! Вы - член моей армии, друга. Полностью.
DEE-DEE 2: CHRIS PRONGER
HOW COME: Seriously? Chris should be my teammate. Partners in crime. He's a notorious badass with a natural tooth gap that makes my nipples hard. He is like a father to me. Showed us how to change the lyrics to "Yummy Yummy Yummy" from "Yummy yummy yummy/I got love in my tummy" to "Yummy yummy yummy/I got ho's in my hummy..." Such a clever man! He's not Russian but he wants to be! Я люблю Вас! Вы - член моей армии, друга. Полностью.
GOALAY: SEMYON VARLAMOV
HOW COME: Seriously? Semi is my teammate and we played together for Mommy Russia in the Olympics. Partners in crime. OMG goalies are so kinky. Sometimes he does the splits in the aisle on the team bus just to show off. On bartops, also. Girls think he's sexy because he has manorexia. Before games, he consumes only beets, maraschino cherries (in a jar) and raw mini kielbasa wieners! Naked, he looks like a girl but who cares, right? Я люблю Вас! Вы - член моей армии, друга. Полностью.
ALTERNATE/CHEERLEADER 1: ILYA KOVALCHUK
HOW COME: Seriously? Ilya and me played together for Mommy Russia in the Olympics. Partners in crime. I wish he was my teammate because he makes more money than me, has almost as many Hummers as me and my sources tell me people think he's a much bigger asshole than me. We're going tanning bed shopping for the holidays - can hardly wait! Я люблю Вас! Вы - член моей армии, друга. Полностью.
ALTERNATE/CHEERLEADER 2: SEAN AVERY
HOW COME: Seriously? Sean should be my teammate. Partners in crime. I admire his thug-like demeanor at work, his business acumen, his chic horn-rimmed glasses and the fact that he doesn't give a shit what anybody thinks of him as long as they are talking about him. Sean is teaching me Spanish, if you can believe it! "Mi sloppy secondes es su sloppy secondes, amigo!" He's not Russian but he wants to be! Я люблю Вас! Вы - член моей армии, друга. Полностью.
NEVERRR PICKING YOU, COMRADE: ??? Everybody's invited to the party! Just not to play!
There you have it. Don't like Captain Bromance's official ASG selections? Well, Вы должны повиноваться, слабак!
"Don't give them money. Or matches!"
Two completely biased teams. Doomed as doomed can be. Like Ed Grimley used to say. What would YOU do? What would Gary Roberts do? Hmmmm.